Life is Messy

Tonight I'm writing as I sit in my messy room. I spent all day cleaning, and/or crying. Though I worked all day I feel as though I've accomplished nothing. My room is still a mess, the house is still a mess, the bathroom is . . . . . messier than a mess.
Not only are my surroundings messy but my emotions and my thought processes are messy. I feel so many things all at the same time, and yet I feel nothing. There's so much confusion, hurt, chaos, loneliness, regret, and exhaustion in my heart that I just feel numb.
I keep trying to resolve to be joyful, to continue to take care of people who need me, even though they just tear me down every day. I keep trying to resolve to spend more time with God and to be more dedicated to my students. But all of this, this resolve, my efforts, are draining me of everything, and pulling me every which way, making my world even messier, even though I keep trying to pick up the pieces.
Sometimes I feel like a mother with too many children. I clean up one mess while my kids make another. I put a band-aid on one cut while my other kids fall into more injury. I resolve one fight while my other kids start another. No matter how hard I try there's another mess for me to clean up as soon as I'm done.
The only thing I keep coming back to is, there's too much work for me to do by myself, but who is going to help me?
Well even though I don't feel like it, Jesus. Jesus is going to help me.
Now some of you may be thinking I'm ridiculous for comparing myself to that one mom with all those kids, but in reality, I'm more like her than you would think. Even though I'm single, I'm the peace keeper in fights every day. I come home to yet another mess I need to clean, even though I asked for the person who made it to clean it up. When people get hurt or injured emotionally or physically I'm there with tea or a literal band-aid. I'm always on call for my students, because sometimes they need me, and I will never turn my back on people who need me. I love my students, and I love the people I take care of while I'm at home. But what I do is never enough. When I go to bed at night things are still . . . well messy.
I keep wondering how those single mothers do it. Man. They are like superheroes ya'll.
But tonight as I look at my mess, both internally and externally. I know that I can't clean it all by myself. I know that I can't keep my patience much longer if I can't say "okay honey. That's on you. I'll be back in 10." I know, that I can't try to do my life and take care of all my responsibilities and all my students and my family by myself. I need help. I need Jesus.
He is the one who picked up the pieces, for all of history when He died on the cross. He is the one who cleaned up Adam and Eve's mess. He is the one who healed the sick, the lame, and the blind. He already cleaned up the biggest mess in history: sin.
Who am I to sit in my messy corner while He offers me help and say, tears streaming down my face, "no it's okay bruh, I got this."
So. instead of resolving to be joyful, and to keep taking care of people and their messes by myself. My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, and tackle this mess with Him, and not just by myself.
'Cus life is messy. It's a mess that doesn't end, a mess that we can't possibly hope to keep clean by ourselves, and that's okay.
It's okay to need help. It's okay to be at your wit's end. It's okay to feel so many things that you feel numb. It's okay to cry. It's okay that things are messy. But it is not okay to lose hope because you're not alone. You have your friends, you have your family, and even when all of those people fail you, there's one thing, one person that remains, and His name is Jesus.
So yeah life is . . . a huge mess, but don't lose hope. You are not alone, the God of the universe walks beside you whispering your name, saying "I love you. I am with you."


Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.