Dear Annie,
I don't know if you or anyone else will ever read this, and that is okay. I'm writing this, and the letters to come to hold me accountable for reading your book, and for seeking what I need to learn and how I need to grow.
So starting today I'm going to write you a letter on this blog about my thoughts on your book "Looking For Lovely". Don't worry, I'm not a critic, and I'm not a great writer and I'm not disagreeing with you. This is just how I process, I talk to people.
You talked about perseverance, hope, grace, and seeing the good in our lives. And the only thing I'm kinda good at is perseverance. My parents taught me to finish what I started and I do with the big things in my life, so now I'm also learning to when it's okay to say no and to stop so I dont burn out. (although I must admit, I am the. worst. at finding time to finish a book (hence the letters)). So I'm good at just keeping on. But I struggle daily with finding hope, and grace, and joy in my life. You said that lots of people will write you letters and say they will "do the thing", but they will give up after a few months. Well, I promise I will finish reading your book and I will write these letters. It may be once a week, or once a day. But I won't quit.
I know that your book is not a guide to better living, and it's not a step by step on how to fix my relationship with God. But you started writing as if you were talking to me, and that makes a huge difference. So I'm gonna try to talk to you back.
I want to be the kind of person that finishes what I start, that is full of hope that overflows to the people around me. I want to be a person that loves the Lord so much that it shines on my face. That His love pours over onto the people around me, that who I am lifts them up because who I am comes from God.
I know that I am not anywhere near being that person. I get caught up in my own misery. I will keep going but I stop looking for God in the events of my life. I stop hoping for the best and dreaming of the good things that may fill my life. On page 7 when you talk about hope you say that "I thought hope was a word we hung up in our houses and tattoed on our wrists and willed ourselves to have. I used to think that hope was a gift from God in its singular form-like love, peace, patience, any of the fruits of the Spirit. But hope isn't a fruit of having a Spirit-filled life. . . . hope is a commodity, not easily won, always fought for, and the result of a process that may take some time." And you're right. I quite having hope a while ago. I quit hoping that my relationship with God will ever get better, that I will learn to be a better person and teacher, I quite hoping that I'll ever get married and have children. Now I just say that "I know I probably will" to pacify my wonderful friends who try so hard to remind me that my life isn't hopeless. And they are right, and you are right.
"Hope is a commodity, not so easily won, always fought for, and the result of a process."
So Annie, today I start with you on my journey, my fight, to find hope.
Lord Jesus, I ask that you will restore my faith that you have not abandoned me. I ask that you help me find, and seek for you. Teach me to not be afraid to hope, to love, and to let go. Teach me to have patience and to passionately seek for you and your word. Lord I ask that this journey I'm starting today with my friend Annie would be a fruitful one, that I would be willing to be vulnerable and open. That I would be willing to hurt and cry, that I would be willing to find joy and rejoice in it, and hope that it won't end. Lord I ask that you would remove the skepticism from my spirit and replace it with trust, faith, and hope in you. I pray for Annie that you would guide her in her life, that she would continue to let you use her as a megaphone for you, to women around the world like me. I ask that you would speak to her heart in this moment that she would find immense rest and joy in you and that you would give us both the courage to take another step closer to you God. Lord I also ask that if anyone does read this, that what I say would be an encouragement to them that they are not alone in the battle against depression and hopelessness. I ask that you would raise up a people who love you and know you and put hope and trust and faith you. A people that will change the world, one person at a time.
God I ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood
Amen.
