So my love language is touch, and then time. Everything else is extremely low on the list. I've known this for forEVER. But I've never been able to figure out how to deal with it in our society.
I mean really. If you hold hands with someone our society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
If you hug someone for more than 1 second, society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
Basically if you touch somebody, society assumes: "OOOOOOOOOOH they're flirting!"
Now this isn't *quite* as bad in the non-christian culture I personally have experienced. But it is a *huge* problem for those of us who speak love with touch in the christian community.
Everyone has this idea that if you are touching, you are in, or you want a dating relationship with that person.
So we have a bunch of people who's love language is touch and we aren't allowed to hug people, touch their shoulder with a reassuring pat, be excited to see people and greet them with a hug, hold their hand, basically we aren't allowed to speak our love language.
I know for several people there is a line that makes them super uncomfortable if you cross that line. Sometimes it's a hug sometimes it's a handshake, sometimes it repeatedly poking someone. So as a touch person, I try to respect those lines.
But I literally. Don't. Know. How sometimes.
How do I show you that I love you, even if it's just as a friend, and how do I know you love me as a friend.
I try super hard to utilize the other love languages to try to communicate that you are important to me. But sometimes my heart just feels like screaming out of frustration because I can't speak my love language.
It's especially difficult when I'm around people I haven't seen forever because I want to hug you and not let go! I am SO beyond excited to see you that I just can't hold it in. and sometimes that comes out as incessantly (gently) slugging you in the arm. patting your head, poking you. and it's not because I'm trying to flirt at all, it's just because I love you. and you're FINALLY back in my life, and I'm SUPER excited.
But people have told me that doing those things is not okay, and it's crossing a line, and yea I can see that. But what am I supposed to do?
Nobody has ever given me an alternative other than just "do nothing", and that just kills me. I love each and everyone of my friends deeply, and for me, telling me to do nothing feels the same as saying I can't I love them. Goodness if you even say "I love you" in society, and especially the christian culture, then everyone in your life assumes you've got a "thing" for each other.
So I guess this post is about two things: 1 venting. and 2. asking you a question.
So my question for those of you who are not touch people:
What are some ways that I can tell/show you I love you without
- acting like an idiot
- making you uncomfortable
I honestly don't know and I've been looking for the answer for years and I've still come up with nothing. So I need your help. How do I be myself, and show that I love you as a friend in a way that you're okay with?
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Priorities and Boundaries
Everyone has expectations for you.
Most parents expect you to sacrificially give of your time to take care of their stuff, just as they did when you were little. They expect you to agree with them, and be available. To be a good example to everyone.
Some teachers expect you to put school first. To de-prioritize the rest of your life. To live, eat, and breath school.
Friends expect you to be yourself as long as your not upset, stressed or angry. (unless you have an *awesome* friend (which I do).
Peers expect you to fit into their social clique, and if you don't, to stay away from their social clique.
Society expects the genders to fit into a specific role, and we *all* know those stereotypes, and we all know how inconsistent they are with *real people*. (aka everyone) They do fit a hand-full of people but certainly not enough to say all women are or should be: "_________ ", or all men are or should be: "_________"
Everyone has certain expectations.
But. You and I should never let the expectations of others affect who we are and how we act. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying any of this so you or I can have an excuse to be a total jerk.
I am saying this because I think it's important to recognize that yes! Other people have expectations of me, but it's okay for me and for you to say no.
If you love singing, SING! If you need to prioritize family instead of school, DO IT! If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted that you're living off of coffee, SLEEP! If you need to take a mental health day because you need the world to calm down so your head can stop spinning, TAKE A DAY! If you enjoy playing chess, but that's not cool with your peer group, PLAY CHESS and FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
You should never EVER let the expectations of others keep you from being okay, or from being yourself.
A college professor recently told my class that health, and family, and life circumstances has no correlation to my classes or to music (I'm majoring in music) and that I should always be there, on time, and have practiced.
WRONG.
For you in your life, that may be fine, and for him in his life, it obviously is fine.
But I prioritized school over family and friends literally my entire life, and all through high school I struggled with deep depression to the point of attempting to end my life. All because I put no effort into human contact, fun, rest, joy, really anything that had to do with actual friends. I did have a few friends throughout high school and they were awesome. and for quite some time they put up with my literal insanity. But I never prioritized them, and the depression from just living and breathing school almost killed me.
So if you need to deal with life instead of school for a day: DO IT. Obviously don't be lazy and just skip school. Be dedicated to what you put into your life and put effort into the things you have in life. school is important ya'll. But if your life is so focused on school that you're depressed. Something. HAS. to change.
For college kids like me who live with your parents. It's okay to say you have homework or you can't help today. You are an adult, and you need to take responsibility for the things in your life and sometimes you can't be there for dinner, or you can't clear the table. It's okay to say no. Now here's another caviot: you make dishes too, and you make messes too. Don't make your parents clean up your messes. Clean up after yourself. That is part of your responsibility. If you can't do it right that second, do it later. But you do not need to say yes to everything, be helpful and don't make your parents clean up your messes. But if you have to do something else, SAY NO.
We are all adults young, in the middle or old. We all have responsibilities to our health, our mental state, our schedule, our family, our friends, work, and REST. Let's stop letting unrealistic expectations damage our relationships, our health and our mental ability to cope. Say no. Prioritize what *you* need to prioritize, reevaluate when you need to, and don't let other people tell you you're not good enough if : "__________"
You are you. You have specific needs, specific responsibilities, specific schedules. What other people say is not going to change any of those things. They don't and can't have that control over you. They can't tell you what you can/cannot feel or how you're doing, and nothing they say can actually change your reality. only you can.
So make your priorities, a priority.
Take care of the things in your life.
Follow through on your responsibilities.
and for goodness sake: take some breaks.
Your life is your responsibility, and not anyone elses.
So before I keep beating the same bush again: You do you, say no, set boundaries. Be. Free. And remember, you can't change them, that is between them and God. And they can't change, that too is between you, and God.
Lord I pray that you would give us the grace and courage to be ourselves. to seek you first. to say no when we need to and take up our responsibilities and care for them. Lord help us to be passionate about you about what's in our lives, and about the people in our lives. We ask that you would give us your wisdom and grace so that we can grow into a people after your heart. A people who lifts each other up, and doesn't tear each other down. A people who lives life to the fullest without changing who we are for fickle people. Lord help us to be the best we can be in your eyes, and to live out a life that is pleasing to you. We ask these things in your name. Amen.
Most parents expect you to sacrificially give of your time to take care of their stuff, just as they did when you were little. They expect you to agree with them, and be available. To be a good example to everyone.
Some teachers expect you to put school first. To de-prioritize the rest of your life. To live, eat, and breath school.
Friends expect you to be yourself as long as your not upset, stressed or angry. (unless you have an *awesome* friend (which I do).
Peers expect you to fit into their social clique, and if you don't, to stay away from their social clique.
Society expects the genders to fit into a specific role, and we *all* know those stereotypes, and we all know how inconsistent they are with *real people*. (aka everyone) They do fit a hand-full of people but certainly not enough to say all women are or should be: "_________ ", or all men are or should be: "_________"
Everyone has certain expectations.
But. You and I should never let the expectations of others affect who we are and how we act. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying any of this so you or I can have an excuse to be a total jerk.
I am saying this because I think it's important to recognize that yes! Other people have expectations of me, but it's okay for me and for you to say no.
If you love singing, SING! If you need to prioritize family instead of school, DO IT! If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted that you're living off of coffee, SLEEP! If you need to take a mental health day because you need the world to calm down so your head can stop spinning, TAKE A DAY! If you enjoy playing chess, but that's not cool with your peer group, PLAY CHESS and FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
You should never EVER let the expectations of others keep you from being okay, or from being yourself.
A college professor recently told my class that health, and family, and life circumstances has no correlation to my classes or to music (I'm majoring in music) and that I should always be there, on time, and have practiced.
WRONG.
For you in your life, that may be fine, and for him in his life, it obviously is fine.
But I prioritized school over family and friends literally my entire life, and all through high school I struggled with deep depression to the point of attempting to end my life. All because I put no effort into human contact, fun, rest, joy, really anything that had to do with actual friends. I did have a few friends throughout high school and they were awesome. and for quite some time they put up with my literal insanity. But I never prioritized them, and the depression from just living and breathing school almost killed me.
So if you need to deal with life instead of school for a day: DO IT. Obviously don't be lazy and just skip school. Be dedicated to what you put into your life and put effort into the things you have in life. school is important ya'll. But if your life is so focused on school that you're depressed. Something. HAS. to change.
For college kids like me who live with your parents. It's okay to say you have homework or you can't help today. You are an adult, and you need to take responsibility for the things in your life and sometimes you can't be there for dinner, or you can't clear the table. It's okay to say no. Now here's another caviot: you make dishes too, and you make messes too. Don't make your parents clean up your messes. Clean up after yourself. That is part of your responsibility. If you can't do it right that second, do it later. But you do not need to say yes to everything, be helpful and don't make your parents clean up your messes. But if you have to do something else, SAY NO.
We are all adults young, in the middle or old. We all have responsibilities to our health, our mental state, our schedule, our family, our friends, work, and REST. Let's stop letting unrealistic expectations damage our relationships, our health and our mental ability to cope. Say no. Prioritize what *you* need to prioritize, reevaluate when you need to, and don't let other people tell you you're not good enough if : "__________"
You are you. You have specific needs, specific responsibilities, specific schedules. What other people say is not going to change any of those things. They don't and can't have that control over you. They can't tell you what you can/cannot feel or how you're doing, and nothing they say can actually change your reality. only you can.
So make your priorities, a priority.
Take care of the things in your life.
Follow through on your responsibilities.
and for goodness sake: take some breaks.
Your life is your responsibility, and not anyone elses.
So before I keep beating the same bush again: You do you, say no, set boundaries. Be. Free. And remember, you can't change them, that is between them and God. And they can't change, that too is between you, and God.
Lord I pray that you would give us the grace and courage to be ourselves. to seek you first. to say no when we need to and take up our responsibilities and care for them. Lord help us to be passionate about you about what's in our lives, and about the people in our lives. We ask that you would give us your wisdom and grace so that we can grow into a people after your heart. A people who lifts each other up, and doesn't tear each other down. A people who lives life to the fullest without changing who we are for fickle people. Lord help us to be the best we can be in your eyes, and to live out a life that is pleasing to you. We ask these things in your name. Amen.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Spiritual Snacks
The other night I was talking with my aunt about how I always feel so distant from God no matter how hard, or how much time I put into going to church and talking to Him. I always feel hungry for Jesus. While my aunt and I were talking about this it was nice to recognize that we both feel the same way eve though we both know God is with us, we're always kind of (spiritually) hungry.
Eventually, we ended up talking about how it's so much nicer to just have a little chat with God throughout the day instead of trying to soak up everything we need in just one sitting.
We still need fellowship, and we still need to study God's word, but we feel so much closer to Him when we just, well take a spiritual snack.
Just stop for even just 2min and talk to God, breath, recite a verse He laid on your heart. It's like how we stop and grab that granola bar because lunch seems so far away and we just need that one thing to hold us over so our tummy doesn't make us feel that touch of sickness because we didn't eat breakfast.
Taking that little snack all throughout the day, except with Jesus is SO much more helpful than trying to sit down and have this long meaningful chat with Him.
I know I personally am so exhausted all the time that I fall asleep reading my Bible, and I know some of you out there are looking at me like "oh no you didn't." But. yea. I do. I'm human! I'm exhausted, and based on the amount of coffee corporate America consumes, you probably are too!
I tried for years to discipline myself to journal every night and read a chapter in my bible every night, and I did it. But it didn't bring me closer to God, it made me sick because I wasn't taking care of my body. There was even a year where I got up at 5:30 am and did a bible study, and then a friend would chat with me about it, and I LOVED chatting with my friend about it. That was huge. But it never made me really close to God.
I think the reason for that is this:
I would try to find that one chunk of the day to focus on God so I could get it out of the way and start the day connected to Him. (which btw, is great) BUT. I would be so exhausted/focused from/on hunting that huge chunk out, that I wouldn't stay connected with God through the rest of the day. So yea it would start great, but I wouldn't stay in touch with Him.
Since having this little chat with my aunt I've been making it a point to have a "spiritual snack" several times throughout the day, and I have found it *SO* helpful. No my feeling distant from God has not just disappeared overnight. But I actually felt like smiling today. I have been faking a smile for so long now. and I cannot believe that I can *finally* say that I genuinely smiled with joy in my heart.
So I don't know where you're at with your relationship with God. But I wouldn't be surprised if you felt tired, and distant too. Sadly that's where so many of us are, except we won't admit it. So if you're in that place, I hope you can admit it to yourself, and I highly recommend spiritual snacks. Keeping connected to Jesus, even in little tiny ways, can take your day and your spirit leaps and bounds.
Abba,
We come to you and we ask that you would fill our hearts with your presence. That your joy and wisdom would overflow our souls. Lord we ask that you would touch our hearts and bring us continually closer to you, and continually into your presence. God I ask that you would help us stay close to you througout the day, that we wouldn't forget who you are even for a moment.
Lord give us the faith to trust in you, and to know that you are the same today, yesterday, tomorrow and forever. Lord we also ask that you would lift up everyone who is hurting that you would touch their hurts and fears and their scars Lord, and that you would heal them.
Bring us close to you Lord Jesus.
We ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood.
Amen.
Eventually, we ended up talking about how it's so much nicer to just have a little chat with God throughout the day instead of trying to soak up everything we need in just one sitting.
We still need fellowship, and we still need to study God's word, but we feel so much closer to Him when we just, well take a spiritual snack.
Just stop for even just 2min and talk to God, breath, recite a verse He laid on your heart. It's like how we stop and grab that granola bar because lunch seems so far away and we just need that one thing to hold us over so our tummy doesn't make us feel that touch of sickness because we didn't eat breakfast.
Taking that little snack all throughout the day, except with Jesus is SO much more helpful than trying to sit down and have this long meaningful chat with Him.
I know I personally am so exhausted all the time that I fall asleep reading my Bible, and I know some of you out there are looking at me like "oh no you didn't." But. yea. I do. I'm human! I'm exhausted, and based on the amount of coffee corporate America consumes, you probably are too!
I tried for years to discipline myself to journal every night and read a chapter in my bible every night, and I did it. But it didn't bring me closer to God, it made me sick because I wasn't taking care of my body. There was even a year where I got up at 5:30 am and did a bible study, and then a friend would chat with me about it, and I LOVED chatting with my friend about it. That was huge. But it never made me really close to God.
I think the reason for that is this:
I would try to find that one chunk of the day to focus on God so I could get it out of the way and start the day connected to Him. (which btw, is great) BUT. I would be so exhausted/focused from/on hunting that huge chunk out, that I wouldn't stay connected with God through the rest of the day. So yea it would start great, but I wouldn't stay in touch with Him.
Since having this little chat with my aunt I've been making it a point to have a "spiritual snack" several times throughout the day, and I have found it *SO* helpful. No my feeling distant from God has not just disappeared overnight. But I actually felt like smiling today. I have been faking a smile for so long now. and I cannot believe that I can *finally* say that I genuinely smiled with joy in my heart.
So I don't know where you're at with your relationship with God. But I wouldn't be surprised if you felt tired, and distant too. Sadly that's where so many of us are, except we won't admit it. So if you're in that place, I hope you can admit it to yourself, and I highly recommend spiritual snacks. Keeping connected to Jesus, even in little tiny ways, can take your day and your spirit leaps and bounds.
Abba,
We come to you and we ask that you would fill our hearts with your presence. That your joy and wisdom would overflow our souls. Lord we ask that you would touch our hearts and bring us continually closer to you, and continually into your presence. God I ask that you would help us stay close to you througout the day, that we wouldn't forget who you are even for a moment.
Lord give us the faith to trust in you, and to know that you are the same today, yesterday, tomorrow and forever. Lord we also ask that you would lift up everyone who is hurting that you would touch their hurts and fears and their scars Lord, and that you would heal them.
Bring us close to you Lord Jesus.
We ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood.
Amen.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Crazy World
Once again things have been whirling around in a never-ending slew of problems and stuff. Things are crazy. School started so I'm teaching now, and then college starts on Monday so I'm getting ready for that. Everything is happening all at once, and my cat licked chemicals so he was rushed to the vet and got medication for a chem burn in his mouth and ran up a beautiful bill: crazy.
It never ends does it?
The particular crazy I want to talk about today, however, is the crazy my medicated cat is exhibiting.
So since he has gotten back from the vet and is on his meds now, he is ballistic. (and just to be clear this is my cat we're gonna talk about)
He has been running around chasing an imaginary mouse under our pink chair literally all day. Last night my mom walked up to him while he was sitting and he wagged his head like at tipsy drunk seeing 5 people. All night last night he raced around my room pawing, "talking", pulling at my door, knocking things off: being crazy.
The medication he is on has altered his perspective, but also made him numb to any pain (or consequences) he might have from trying to rip my door down or knock it down by throwing himself at it.
Watching him race around all crazed about something imaginary, and frantically try to escape my room makes me think of myself.
How often do I find myself in a situation where the occurrences of my life have altered my perspective and made me numb, or just plumb crazy? I think it's more often than I realize.
We all have things that have happened to us that kind of medicate our responses. Those responses may be carefully weighed, but it's still coming from a skewed perspective of reality.
My stress about so many things comes from deep, medicated responses.
But why is my medicated response the fear of past things instead of Gods proven provision?
I personally think that it's because we go slightly crazy.
Just like my cat and his medicated responses we forget what's real, and what's not. We go into this psychotic whirl of busy-ness, chasing things that aren't there, throwing ourselves against doors that won't open. We forget what is real and what is not.
While it may take a while for the "meds" to wear off, my cat will eventually return to normal, and so will we. But we have to take care of ourselves, of our minds. We have to admit that we have "medicated responses", and being to deal with those repercussions, and slowly "wean" ourselves off what feeds the fear into our hearts and minds.
So yea things are going crazy, but you and I don't have to go crazy with it.
It never ends does it?
The particular crazy I want to talk about today, however, is the crazy my medicated cat is exhibiting.
So since he has gotten back from the vet and is on his meds now, he is ballistic. (and just to be clear this is my cat we're gonna talk about)
He has been running around chasing an imaginary mouse under our pink chair literally all day. Last night my mom walked up to him while he was sitting and he wagged his head like at tipsy drunk seeing 5 people. All night last night he raced around my room pawing, "talking", pulling at my door, knocking things off: being crazy.
The medication he is on has altered his perspective, but also made him numb to any pain (or consequences) he might have from trying to rip my door down or knock it down by throwing himself at it.
Watching him race around all crazed about something imaginary, and frantically try to escape my room makes me think of myself.
How often do I find myself in a situation where the occurrences of my life have altered my perspective and made me numb, or just plumb crazy? I think it's more often than I realize.
We all have things that have happened to us that kind of medicate our responses. Those responses may be carefully weighed, but it's still coming from a skewed perspective of reality.
My stress about so many things comes from deep, medicated responses.
But why is my medicated response the fear of past things instead of Gods proven provision?
I personally think that it's because we go slightly crazy.
Just like my cat and his medicated responses we forget what's real, and what's not. We go into this psychotic whirl of busy-ness, chasing things that aren't there, throwing ourselves against doors that won't open. We forget what is real and what is not.
While it may take a while for the "meds" to wear off, my cat will eventually return to normal, and so will we. But we have to take care of ourselves, of our minds. We have to admit that we have "medicated responses", and being to deal with those repercussions, and slowly "wean" ourselves off what feeds the fear into our hearts and minds.
So yea things are going crazy, but you and I don't have to go crazy with it.
Crazy World
Michelle B. Rose
Welcome to my crazy world,
where things spin round and round.
Where left is right and up is down,
and square is curiously round.
Where the high tide shrinks on the banks of the sea,
and from mountains their height does flee,
Where a whisper is a shout
and anger a pout
in my crazy little world it be.
Welcome to my crazy little world,
where the universe spins around me.
Where a day is too short
and the night never starts,
my crazy little world surrounds me.
Where I stand by fear, and not by faith
But yet inside my soul I hear,
a small still voice calling out my name,
"Stand tall by grace and do not fear"
I close my eyes
and just ignore
the swirl of chaos around me.
and then I hear,
loud and clear, that still small voice
inside me.
Finally, as I stand,
in my crazy little world
my universe crashing down,
I stand by myself,
filled with peace, not with doubt,
as the presence of my God surrounds me.
So welcome to my world,
though crazy it may be.
I hope you can find peace,
and my God I hope you see.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Guilty Before Grace
For years now, no matter who is around me I always feel alone. I know God is with me because He has shown Himself to me in the past, and He has rescued me from myself and from my fears. The specifics aren't pertinent to this post though, so I will just say that because of those times I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is with me, and His Holy Spirit lives inside of me.
But I am still lonely. All the time, no matter how hard I try to seek Him, I don't feel His presence more often than I do feel His presence. I know that God puts us through times of testing for a reason, but it feels like my life is one long test: to be alone. No matter how hard I try, people will always fail me, and it will end up just me.
I have really been struggling with this lately and it came to a point yesterday, brought on by several other things. So I talked to my best friend and we were up into the wee hours of the night talking about life, and God. That time was so precious to me, but when I got to church this morning I still felt deserted.
I opened a book I'm reading, it's for Christian women, and I started reading and a word resonated in my soul: "guilt".
All of my life I have felt guilty for one reason or another, and often just felt guilty for being alive, for failing to be perfect, for being sad, for having so many things happen to me all that time that makes me hurt and sad all the time. I feel guilt for not being a positive light for Christ in everyone's life, for not being a perfect example of who He is.
My friend and I had talked about that last night and I really didn't think I felt guilty, and I don't struggle with guilt nearly as much anymore. But when I read that word today God spoke to my heart.
My guilt from the past is still holding onto me. It affects how I act, what I say, and who I am.
I still try to be perfect, because I'm afraid of being guilty.
I don't know how to change that.
But I know that I need to work on clinging to Jesus and trusting Him to be my all. Trusting Him to seek me and find me when I call His name. Trusting Him to never leave me. Seeking Him out first when I'm hurt, afraid, and fail at perfection.
Because what I always do when I fail at perfection, is distance myself from the people who it hurts the most, and one of them is God.
I need to set aside my fear of guilt, my fear of not being enough, my fear of being imperfect and work on realizing, not just in my head but in my entire being, with every essence of my understanding and my soul that God. is enough for me. and I don't have to do anything.
So yea I have problems, and I admit that freely. But when I read that word today, I knew that my fear of being found guilty by Him, is pushing me away from Him.
I have to recognize that and decide daily to come, guilty, before God, and accept His grace.
I still don't know how to do that, because having to be perfect to be loved has been deeply ingrained in me.
But, God is the same today as He was yesterday. He is the same as He was those times that He showed up and I felt His presence and heard His voice. He is the same God that I served when I got hurt when I hit rock bottom. He is the same God that called me to Him. He is the same God that proved He loves me. He is the same God that endured beatings, thorns, nails in His hands, and ultimately death so that I wouldn't have to. He is the same God that conquered death so I could live with Him. He is the same God that declares I am His child. He is the same God that brought His children out of the desert into the promise land. He is the same God that fulfilled all of His promises. He is the same God that walked with Adam and Eve. He is the same God that breathed the galaxies into existence. He is the same God that created light in the darkness. He is the same God then, now, and for eternity, and that God calls me and you by name, and walks with us each day, and that is undeniable.
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Acts 4:12
"Salvation is found in no one else. For there is no other name under heaven, given to men, by which we must be saved."
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
Isaiah 44:22
"I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
But I am still lonely. All the time, no matter how hard I try to seek Him, I don't feel His presence more often than I do feel His presence. I know that God puts us through times of testing for a reason, but it feels like my life is one long test: to be alone. No matter how hard I try, people will always fail me, and it will end up just me.
I have really been struggling with this lately and it came to a point yesterday, brought on by several other things. So I talked to my best friend and we were up into the wee hours of the night talking about life, and God. That time was so precious to me, but when I got to church this morning I still felt deserted.
I opened a book I'm reading, it's for Christian women, and I started reading and a word resonated in my soul: "guilt".
All of my life I have felt guilty for one reason or another, and often just felt guilty for being alive, for failing to be perfect, for being sad, for having so many things happen to me all that time that makes me hurt and sad all the time. I feel guilt for not being a positive light for Christ in everyone's life, for not being a perfect example of who He is.
My friend and I had talked about that last night and I really didn't think I felt guilty, and I don't struggle with guilt nearly as much anymore. But when I read that word today God spoke to my heart.
My guilt from the past is still holding onto me. It affects how I act, what I say, and who I am.
I still try to be perfect, because I'm afraid of being guilty.
I don't know how to change that.
But I know that I need to work on clinging to Jesus and trusting Him to be my all. Trusting Him to seek me and find me when I call His name. Trusting Him to never leave me. Seeking Him out first when I'm hurt, afraid, and fail at perfection.
Because what I always do when I fail at perfection, is distance myself from the people who it hurts the most, and one of them is God.
I need to set aside my fear of guilt, my fear of not being enough, my fear of being imperfect and work on realizing, not just in my head but in my entire being, with every essence of my understanding and my soul that God. is enough for me. and I don't have to do anything.
So yea I have problems, and I admit that freely. But when I read that word today, I knew that my fear of being found guilty by Him, is pushing me away from Him.
I have to recognize that and decide daily to come, guilty, before God, and accept His grace.
I still don't know how to do that, because having to be perfect to be loved has been deeply ingrained in me.
But, God is the same today as He was yesterday. He is the same as He was those times that He showed up and I felt His presence and heard His voice. He is the same God that I served when I got hurt when I hit rock bottom. He is the same God that called me to Him. He is the same God that proved He loves me. He is the same God that endured beatings, thorns, nails in His hands, and ultimately death so that I wouldn't have to. He is the same God that conquered death so I could live with Him. He is the same God that declares I am His child. He is the same God that brought His children out of the desert into the promise land. He is the same God that fulfilled all of His promises. He is the same God that walked with Adam and Eve. He is the same God that breathed the galaxies into existence. He is the same God that created light in the darkness. He is the same God then, now, and for eternity, and that God calls me and you by name, and walks with us each day, and that is undeniable.
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Acts 4:12
"Salvation is found in no one else. For there is no other name under heaven, given to men, by which we must be saved."
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
Isaiah 44:22
"I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
Friday, September 15, 2017
Rest
Resting is an important part of our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
The last couple days I've experienced terrible allergies (as I mentioned in my last post). I've found myself so physically drained that I had to have a nap. So two days in a row I've crashed in my bed and slept for two hours in the middle of the day. But each time I woke up feeling better than before.
While I understand that I *need* rest. I often forget what that entails. Rest is not only taking care of my body and letting it sleep. But it is also taking care of my mental, emotional, and spiritual state and resting in those too.
I often forget that emotional rest needs to be in a safe place where I can just rest from all the turmoil and chaos and even all the joy from the day. Joy takes energy to ya'll. We all need time to sit and let the things from the day rest, let our emotions rest.
We all need time to sit and not think. To let our minds rest. Now many people think oh well we can do that while we sleep. But when you sleep is when your mind sorts out everything from the day. It processes all that information and updates how you will interact with that information when you wake up. We need to have time to just let our minds sit peacefully.
But most importantly of all, we need time to rest spiritually.
Psalm 46:10 "be still and know that I am God"
we need to have time to be still and know that He is God. We need time to rest in His presence and rejuvenate our soul and our spirit and our relationship with Him.
In our busy world, and our work aholic society (enabled by caffeine) we all forget to be still and just let everything rest. Some of us will put it off till vacation time. Some of us will watch Netflix and drink wine, some of us will ignore rest all together until our body collapses or tragedy strikes and we collapse.
Well I collapsed physically the last two days, and I've been pushing through in all the other aspects.
But having my body *require* sleep and rest, without an option woke me up to the fact that the rest of me needs it too, and going to church once a week does not count as spiritual rest, at least for me it's exhausting. good but exhausting. I'm very involved in my church which is good, but it is certainly not restful.
So as I am reminded to rest, to be still in mind, spirit, body, and soul. I encourage you to look at your life and see where you need to rest. Is there something on your mind all the time? You may need to give it a rest.
Is there some stuff in your life that has been causing you to be emotionally exhausted but you're just shoving it under the rug? Put down that emotional broom and rest.
Do you keep putting off sleep for work or Netflix? SLEEP!
When was the last time you just sat in the presence of God and enacted Psalm 46:10. For me it's been a while. Stop and take time to rest in Gods presence.
I know that's my goal this week.
Taking time to rest is vital to our well being in every aspect. Don't wait until you collapse in ANY area. Stop now and rest. stop now, and be still and know that He is God.
<3
The last couple days I've experienced terrible allergies (as I mentioned in my last post). I've found myself so physically drained that I had to have a nap. So two days in a row I've crashed in my bed and slept for two hours in the middle of the day. But each time I woke up feeling better than before.
While I understand that I *need* rest. I often forget what that entails. Rest is not only taking care of my body and letting it sleep. But it is also taking care of my mental, emotional, and spiritual state and resting in those too.
I often forget that emotional rest needs to be in a safe place where I can just rest from all the turmoil and chaos and even all the joy from the day. Joy takes energy to ya'll. We all need time to sit and let the things from the day rest, let our emotions rest.
We all need time to sit and not think. To let our minds rest. Now many people think oh well we can do that while we sleep. But when you sleep is when your mind sorts out everything from the day. It processes all that information and updates how you will interact with that information when you wake up. We need to have time to just let our minds sit peacefully.
But most importantly of all, we need time to rest spiritually.
Psalm 46:10 "be still and know that I am God"
we need to have time to be still and know that He is God. We need time to rest in His presence and rejuvenate our soul and our spirit and our relationship with Him.
In our busy world, and our work aholic society (enabled by caffeine) we all forget to be still and just let everything rest. Some of us will put it off till vacation time. Some of us will watch Netflix and drink wine, some of us will ignore rest all together until our body collapses or tragedy strikes and we collapse.
Well I collapsed physically the last two days, and I've been pushing through in all the other aspects.
But having my body *require* sleep and rest, without an option woke me up to the fact that the rest of me needs it too, and going to church once a week does not count as spiritual rest, at least for me it's exhausting. good but exhausting. I'm very involved in my church which is good, but it is certainly not restful.
So as I am reminded to rest, to be still in mind, spirit, body, and soul. I encourage you to look at your life and see where you need to rest. Is there something on your mind all the time? You may need to give it a rest.
Is there some stuff in your life that has been causing you to be emotionally exhausted but you're just shoving it under the rug? Put down that emotional broom and rest.
Do you keep putting off sleep for work or Netflix? SLEEP!
When was the last time you just sat in the presence of God and enacted Psalm 46:10. For me it's been a while. Stop and take time to rest in Gods presence.
I know that's my goal this week.
Taking time to rest is vital to our well being in every aspect. Don't wait until you collapse in ANY area. Stop now and rest. stop now, and be still and know that He is God.
<3
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Whirlwinds vs. Life
I've missed posting the last few days because each day was its own whirlwind. Saturday held exciting and exhausting things for me all day. It started early, ended quite late. Sunday was its own ordeal. I was so busy I didn't even get to stop and eat real food until I got up again at midnight to listen to my cramping stomach. Monday was . . . . interesting. Not busy but interesting, and I ended up with a migraine. Tuesday was once again super busy but it ended really well. Finally, we have arrived at today: Wednesday which was yet another whirlwind. Allergies are kicking my butt. I was so sick from them this morning that my body tried to vomit every time I blew my nose. But here we are at the end of the day, not much better, and I pretty much just had tea, dried mangos, and an egg today.
"the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being
manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to
environment through changes originating internally."
Luke 12:23
And I realized that all I can think of is how absolutely miserable I am.
Life has a funny way of doing that. Every time I get determined to do something that will help me grow, like voicing my thoughts on this blog or reading that book I'm using with Bible study. Well, life has a funny way of putting me in a whirlwind. Everything just swirls around me keeping me so busy, or so miserable that I forget my determination and put off my study, and my blog until tomorrow. But the whirlwinds don't stop tomorrow because life (or in my opinion Satan and his minions) has another whirlwind waiting.
Everyday stuff happens that prevents us from focusing on drawing near to God and focusing on voicing/learning who He is to us. Everyday stuff happens that will distract from what God is trying to do and what He is teaching. Everyday stuff distracts us from relationships, which causes those to deteriorate.
So why do we focus on the stuff (the whirlwind) and say oh yea that's just "life".
What we should really say is that's just circumstance. Because the stuff that happens to pull us away from things is not "life". It happens in our lives but those things themselves are not life.
If you look life up in the dictionary you will find that it says:
"the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being
manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to
environment through changes originating internally."
So what this means is
1. life is not dead and it is not an inorganic object.
2. life is shown by growth in the human body, by babies, and by how living things adapt themselves to their surroundings.
If you look up life in the Bible you will find many things. Here are a few:
Luke 12:23
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. 23For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes."
John 14:6
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.
1 John 5:12
He who has the Son has the life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have the life.
1 Corinthians 15:22
For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all will be made alive.
I think you get the point. Basically, life, to be alive is to have the wellspring of Christ inside of you. Life is not food, circumstances, clothing. Life is more important than those things. Life is not the whirlwind that distracts us from what really matters which *is* life. Life is your friends, life is your children, life is your parents, life. is. Jesus Christ.
If we lose sight of those things via Satans whirlwinds and roadblocks then are we really living? No. I don't think we are.
So tonight I am going to bed, still sick from allergies and still quite miserable. But I am still full of life because life happened today: my siblings, my visiting uncle, my parents, my cats, and dog lived today and I experienced life, their lives. But most importantly I am alive because inside of me in my soul is a force that conquered death: Jesus Christ, and inside of me I know that my Redeemer lives!
Friday, September 8, 2017
Fall
The last third of the year is my absolute favorite, and it begins with fall.
Fall brings cozy sweaters and blankets, hot cider and cocoa with little marshmallows. Sitting by the fire wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. Cuddles with cold kitties, the crisp scent of the cold breeze. Beautiful colors in the sky, the trees, and eventually on the ground when the leaves fall covering the floor of the earth with a myriad of vibrant beautiful colors. It brings cinnamon candles and wax tarts. It cozy scarfs and fuzzy gloves, and two of my absolute favorite things is the way people begin to interact in this last portion of the year and decorating.
I adore decorating and making things look beautiful.
I know fall won't technically start until September 22nd. Which, granted is only a couple weeks away. But I am already planning my decorations. Since this coming week is the last week I have before my life becomes a crazy mess for a month or two while I get into the pattern of teaching and attending school. I'm planning on starting to decorate this week and today's step is cleaning. While I don't enjoy cleaning when people are here, cleaning by myself is quite soothing! :) But that's not the point I'm trying to get too.
The other one of my absolute favorite things, the way people interact, is amazing to me. It's the beginning of school and you get to watch students reunite with friends, and new kids make new friends. Even though most kids don't enjoy the academic part of school, their faces light up when they see each other in the hall or find out they have the same class together. It's amazing to watch new life, new joy, new friendship enter into their lives and I love it!
But things don't just change for students, but also for adults. The kids aren't at home all the time now and finally you don't have to worry about finding a sitter or staying home all day and you get to have some space and rest and you get new energy.
Not only that but fall heralds in my absolute favorite season: Christmas season, not necessarily the actual day of Christmas, but the Christmas season. Now I know all of you just groaned a little. But think about it. Right after fall and all its festivities and all of those smiles and changes in attitude I just mentioned. After all of that comes a season of love and giving. I know there are people who dread Christmas because of all the money they spend and the hours spent in line. But for the rest of the world, especially for children. It too is a magical time of year.
People going out of their way to spend time with each other. Going out of their way to make sure they find just the right thing so they can see your face light up. The way the houses are decorated, and they light up the night. All I can think of when I see Christmas lights is how magical it is, and how wonderful the season is.
I am excited that my favorite time of year is just up ahead: a time of love, renewed life, giving, warm fuzzies, beautiful and magical sights, delicious drinks, wonderful smells, all at our finger tips, and it all starts with fall.
Here's heralding in a season I hope will be as magical for you as it is for me! <3
Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows his handywork."
Luke 2:14
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men!"
Psalm 96:11 - 12
Fall brings cozy sweaters and blankets, hot cider and cocoa with little marshmallows. Sitting by the fire wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. Cuddles with cold kitties, the crisp scent of the cold breeze. Beautiful colors in the sky, the trees, and eventually on the ground when the leaves fall covering the floor of the earth with a myriad of vibrant beautiful colors. It brings cinnamon candles and wax tarts. It cozy scarfs and fuzzy gloves, and two of my absolute favorite things is the way people begin to interact in this last portion of the year and decorating.
I adore decorating and making things look beautiful.
I know fall won't technically start until September 22nd. Which, granted is only a couple weeks away. But I am already planning my decorations. Since this coming week is the last week I have before my life becomes a crazy mess for a month or two while I get into the pattern of teaching and attending school. I'm planning on starting to decorate this week and today's step is cleaning. While I don't enjoy cleaning when people are here, cleaning by myself is quite soothing! :) But that's not the point I'm trying to get too.
The other one of my absolute favorite things, the way people interact, is amazing to me. It's the beginning of school and you get to watch students reunite with friends, and new kids make new friends. Even though most kids don't enjoy the academic part of school, their faces light up when they see each other in the hall or find out they have the same class together. It's amazing to watch new life, new joy, new friendship enter into their lives and I love it!
But things don't just change for students, but also for adults. The kids aren't at home all the time now and finally you don't have to worry about finding a sitter or staying home all day and you get to have some space and rest and you get new energy.
Not only that but fall heralds in my absolute favorite season: Christmas season, not necessarily the actual day of Christmas, but the Christmas season. Now I know all of you just groaned a little. But think about it. Right after fall and all its festivities and all of those smiles and changes in attitude I just mentioned. After all of that comes a season of love and giving. I know there are people who dread Christmas because of all the money they spend and the hours spent in line. But for the rest of the world, especially for children. It too is a magical time of year.
People going out of their way to spend time with each other. Going out of their way to make sure they find just the right thing so they can see your face light up. The way the houses are decorated, and they light up the night. All I can think of when I see Christmas lights is how magical it is, and how wonderful the season is.
I am excited that my favorite time of year is just up ahead: a time of love, renewed life, giving, warm fuzzies, beautiful and magical sights, delicious drinks, wonderful smells, all at our finger tips, and it all starts with fall.
Here's heralding in a season I hope will be as magical for you as it is for me! <3
Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows his handywork."
Luke 2:14
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men!"
Psalm 96:11 - 12
"Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
Isaiah 40:26 "Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these [things], that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that [he is] strong in power; not one faileth."
Isaiah 40:26 "Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these [things], that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that [he is] strong in power; not one faileth."
Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy."
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Rain
Since the beginning of August, Oregon has been filled with smoke from fires. In the last few weeks, it has gotten considerably worse. It has begun to suffocate the plants on our porch and cause them to wilt and lose the vibrancy of their color.
Isaiah 45:8"Drip down, O heavens, from above, And let the clouds pour down righteousness; Let the earth open up and salvation bear fruit, And righteousness spring up with it. I, the LORD, have created it."
John 4:14
"But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."
John 7:38
"He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'"
Not only has the smoke been suffocating the plants but the last few days, more fires have started, one of which destroyed hundreds of miles of the Columbia Gorge going from Oregon to Washington. After this particular fire started the air quality rose to the worst it has been all summer causing "outdoor school" to be held in doors. The entire state of Oregon has been praying for rain for months now and finally, we felt the smallest drops yesterday.
Today when we started worship, we began with "Let It Rain". When we took our lunch break and went outside you could smell it in the air and before the end of Outdoor school rain was pouring down, and the students rushed back outside to get a taste.
It was like a miracle had happened. Just yesterday everyone was covering their mouths and having allergic reactions to the smoke. But as soon as it started to rain everyone and everything breathed in fresh air.
The students played, stood, and/or sat in the rain, smiles on their faces, until they were thoroughly soaked. Even the plants on our porch have been revived. Instead of withering in both stem and color, the flowers have a renewed vibrancy in their petals and it's almost as if you can see in the color a breath of relief.
It's amazing how something as simple as rain can bring so much life to creatures and plants that were gasping for air.
It's amazing that for the first time in weeks I can walk outside and breathe. I can smell the rain. I can feel the moisture in the air that had been so dry for what felt would become an endless amount of time.
How can something so simple as rain, be such a miracle?
John 4:14
"But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."
John 7:38
"He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'"
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Pickle Shots and Mathematics
I love pickle juice, and I love math.
Today I taught math to 3 different math levels at the same time for the second day in a row. It was just as crazy as it was yesterday.
The day came and left. I wish I could say that I felt different than other days and that I knew why I feel so numb. But I don't.
What I do know, is that drinking pickle juice shots while grading math papers, understanding a little bit of how gravity, inertia, light, sounds, the universe works . . . well, it's quite relaxing. The world just swirls around all day every day. I have nothing of any real value to say to anyone. No smile to really give, because I just feel nothing. Sometimes the world just spins and what I don't feel turns into a disjointed chaos of stunned emotions.
But sitting on my couch, drinking pickle juice shots, grading math, and watching Big Bang Theory, seems to settle that chaos back into its own pieces.
I really don't have much to say today, or really any day. I feel like each day should be its own adventure but all too often each day is just an endless tunnel for whatever unknown reason.
But like the saying goes: if you're walking through hell don't stop walking till you get out.
I know that I have many reasons for feeling so numb. But I also know that I don't want to admit those things to myself. Pickle juice isn't a cure all for grief and sadness, and neither is time. Greif and sadness don't work within time or a linear trajectory. They exist to remind you of what you loved about what you lost.
Unfortunately, grief can't be explained by math, my emotions, or the universe. It doesn't follow any one law. Greif changes. It's different with every person, every situation, and every experience. But it exists in everyone's reality with meekness and ferocity.
The one thing about grief that is certain, you can't make it disappear by ignoring its presence, but you have to have enough courage to acknowledge it.
So maybe tomorrow you and I will find courage, maybe next week, maybe next year. Even if it takes a while, let's keep looking.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Romans 8:37 - 39
The one who loves us gives us an overwhelming victory in all these difficulties. I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love which Christ Jesus our Lord shows us. We can’t be separated by death or life, by angels or rulers, by anything in the present or anything in the future, by forces or powers in the world above or in the world below, or by anything else in creation.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Life/Writers Block
Ya know how when you're trying to write and you come up with so many ideas and all of them are lame, and you've just hit a wall?
That is exactly what I've been going through with this blog post. I've started several drafts, but I keep hitting a wall.
Well, ironically writer's block is similar to my life right now. I just feel like I've hit a wall. I love my students and the relationships I've worked to build with them. I love my family and my friends, but with all of those relationships and with my life and my passions. It's like a keep running into a wall.
I read posts from my Christian peers that are filled with smiles, new things, significant others, and what I am the most jealous of: friends.
While I know several people my age who feel like I do, hence why we started S.A.D (Sad Anxious and Depressed: Together Alone!), I know a significant number more of people who are happy with their life, and who actually make time to spend with their friends, which by the way is a *mutual* effort.
I've been trying for a couple months now to get people to spend time with me, and consistently maybe one or two of the S.A.D members show up, and while I love my S.A.D people, I can't help feel that I've hit a wall in all my other friendships and my life.
Which may be why I talk like Marvin (from Hitchhikers).
So I've got writer's block tonight and life block, but really there's nothing I can change about either right now because neither of those things just magically go away.
Writer's block goes away after persistently writing. If life block is really as close to writer's block as it feels I suppose the same principle should apply.
Whether my blog or my story pulls together, isn't controlled by my physical ability to write. It's determined by my willingness to keep trying. In the same respect, my life block isn't determined by my mental acuity, or my physical ability to give hugs and tea to crying students. It's determined by my willingness to keep trying, to keep reaching out, to keep hoping that the people I cherish will make time for me.
But just like writers block, if I sit and do nothing, if I don't write, if I don't try . . . I will never get past it, and I will be stuck behind this wall for eternity.
So I guess for myself, and to anyone reading this who may know exactly how this feels: stay strong, keep writing. keep living. keep trying. That wall can't last forever.
Monday, September 4, 2017
Life is Messy
Tonight I'm writing as I sit in my messy room. I spent all day cleaning, and/or crying. Though I worked all day I feel as though I've accomplished nothing. My room is still a mess, the house is still a mess, the bathroom is . . . . . messier than a mess.
Not only are my surroundings messy but my emotions and my thought processes are messy. I feel so many things all at the same time, and yet I feel nothing. There's so much confusion, hurt, chaos, loneliness, regret, and exhaustion in my heart that I just feel numb.
I keep trying to resolve to be joyful, to continue to take care of people who need me, even though they just tear me down every day. I keep trying to resolve to spend more time with God and to be more dedicated to my students. But all of this, this resolve, my efforts, are draining me of everything, and pulling me every which way, making my world even messier, even though I keep trying to pick up the pieces.
Sometimes I feel like a mother with too many children. I clean up one mess while my kids make another. I put a band-aid on one cut while my other kids fall into more injury. I resolve one fight while my other kids start another. No matter how hard I try there's another mess for me to clean up as soon as I'm done.
The only thing I keep coming back to is, there's too much work for me to do by myself, but who is going to help me?
Well even though I don't feel like it, Jesus. Jesus is going to help me.
Now some of you may be thinking I'm ridiculous for comparing myself to that one mom with all those kids, but in reality, I'm more like her than you would think. Even though I'm single, I'm the peace keeper in fights every day. I come home to yet another mess I need to clean, even though I asked for the person who made it to clean it up. When people get hurt or injured emotionally or physically I'm there with tea or a literal band-aid. I'm always on call for my students, because sometimes they need me, and I will never turn my back on people who need me. I love my students, and I love the people I take care of while I'm at home. But what I do is never enough. When I go to bed at night things are still . . . well messy.
I keep wondering how those single mothers do it. Man. They are like superheroes ya'll.
But tonight as I look at my mess, both internally and externally. I know that I can't clean it all by myself. I know that I can't keep my patience much longer if I can't say "okay honey. That's on you. I'll be back in 10." I know, that I can't try to do my life and take care of all my responsibilities and all my students and my family by myself. I need help. I need Jesus.
He is the one who picked up the pieces, for all of history when He died on the cross. He is the one who cleaned up Adam and Eve's mess. He is the one who healed the sick, the lame, and the blind. He already cleaned up the biggest mess in history: sin.
Who am I to sit in my messy corner while He offers me help and say, tears streaming down my face, "no it's okay bruh, I got this."
So. instead of resolving to be joyful, and to keep taking care of people and their messes by myself. My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, and tackle this mess with Him, and not just by myself.
'Cus life is messy. It's a mess that doesn't end, a mess that we can't possibly hope to keep clean by ourselves, and that's okay.
It's okay to need help. It's okay to be at your wit's end. It's okay to feel so many things that you feel numb. It's okay to cry. It's okay that things are messy. But it is not okay to lose hope because you're not alone. You have your friends, you have your family, and even when all of those people fail you, there's one thing, one person that remains, and His name is Jesus.
So yeah life is . . . a huge mess, but don't lose hope. You are not alone, the God of the universe walks beside you whispering your name, saying "I love you. I am with you."
Psalm 121
Not only are my surroundings messy but my emotions and my thought processes are messy. I feel so many things all at the same time, and yet I feel nothing. There's so much confusion, hurt, chaos, loneliness, regret, and exhaustion in my heart that I just feel numb.
I keep trying to resolve to be joyful, to continue to take care of people who need me, even though they just tear me down every day. I keep trying to resolve to spend more time with God and to be more dedicated to my students. But all of this, this resolve, my efforts, are draining me of everything, and pulling me every which way, making my world even messier, even though I keep trying to pick up the pieces.
Sometimes I feel like a mother with too many children. I clean up one mess while my kids make another. I put a band-aid on one cut while my other kids fall into more injury. I resolve one fight while my other kids start another. No matter how hard I try there's another mess for me to clean up as soon as I'm done.
The only thing I keep coming back to is, there's too much work for me to do by myself, but who is going to help me?
Well even though I don't feel like it, Jesus. Jesus is going to help me.
Now some of you may be thinking I'm ridiculous for comparing myself to that one mom with all those kids, but in reality, I'm more like her than you would think. Even though I'm single, I'm the peace keeper in fights every day. I come home to yet another mess I need to clean, even though I asked for the person who made it to clean it up. When people get hurt or injured emotionally or physically I'm there with tea or a literal band-aid. I'm always on call for my students, because sometimes they need me, and I will never turn my back on people who need me. I love my students, and I love the people I take care of while I'm at home. But what I do is never enough. When I go to bed at night things are still . . . well messy.
I keep wondering how those single mothers do it. Man. They are like superheroes ya'll.
But tonight as I look at my mess, both internally and externally. I know that I can't clean it all by myself. I know that I can't keep my patience much longer if I can't say "okay honey. That's on you. I'll be back in 10." I know, that I can't try to do my life and take care of all my responsibilities and all my students and my family by myself. I need help. I need Jesus.
He is the one who picked up the pieces, for all of history when He died on the cross. He is the one who cleaned up Adam and Eve's mess. He is the one who healed the sick, the lame, and the blind. He already cleaned up the biggest mess in history: sin.
Who am I to sit in my messy corner while He offers me help and say, tears streaming down my face, "no it's okay bruh, I got this."
So. instead of resolving to be joyful, and to keep taking care of people and their messes by myself. My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, and tackle this mess with Him, and not just by myself.
'Cus life is messy. It's a mess that doesn't end, a mess that we can't possibly hope to keep clean by ourselves, and that's okay.
It's okay to need help. It's okay to be at your wit's end. It's okay to feel so many things that you feel numb. It's okay to cry. It's okay that things are messy. But it is not okay to lose hope because you're not alone. You have your friends, you have your family, and even when all of those people fail you, there's one thing, one person that remains, and His name is Jesus.
So yeah life is . . . a huge mess, but don't lose hope. You are not alone, the God of the universe walks beside you whispering your name, saying "I love you. I am with you."
Psalm 121
I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
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