You Healed a Hag

You Healed a Hag

a short story by Alainna Michelle

Jesus, You lift me above the ashes of despair. You call me as your co-heir. You healed the broken heart and claimed my soul for glory. You found the lost and heard my cry when I was lost in the wilderness. I had been all but forgotten. Yet You, You saw me as I am, as I was and as I am designed and You looked on me with love. You came for me when I was hiding. You came when I was ugly. You came when I was dirty, wicked, and cruel. You came and saw the woman I hid – the sinner, the putrid and unworthy hag. You came and saw me, even in my squalor. You saw underneath all that filth and saw a daughter You love and You called out my name.

So, I slowly, after time and much encouragement from You, stepped into the light. I felt like a horrible beast that would be caged, feared, hated, and ushered immediately back into the shadows the moment You saw me in Your light. But what I saw on Your face when I entered that light was not horror, was not fright, but tears of joy and utmost delight. You saw my filth and smiled. You took my hand in Yours. You sat me down in Your presence and You, You of all people knelt beside me to touch my feet.

My toes curled up under me as I tried to hide them; the stench, the claws, the dirt covered blisters from Your gaze. But You simply held out Your hand and looked me in the eyes and as I darted away from Your steady gaze, two most horrible most beautiful words left Your mouth: “Trust Me.”

I shut my eyes and clenched my teeth gripping the chair tightly and I lifted my disgusting feat to You. I braced myself not know what would happen, baffled that You would have anything to do with me at all, let alone that You would want to see my feet.

I braced myself as I felt Your hand gently support my heal and I winced as warm water poured over my foot. I could feel the warmth and it was wonderful. But I could feel the sting of it on my blisters and I wanted to pull away for shame and for the sting, but I couldn’t. That warmth was so sweet, so indescribable, I didn’t want it to go away.

Just as I got used to the sting I felt something squishy touch the top of my foot. My eyes flew open and I jerked my foot almost pulling away and Your face, full of love, lifted to my trembling stare. You held out the sponge and squeezed it. You rubbed it on the back of Your hand and held it once more to my foot and uttered those two words once more: “Trust Me.”

I stared as Your hands washed the dirt off my foot and then the other, revealing callouses and blisters and broken, long, ingrown nails. You looked at me again and asked me, staring straight into my eyes: “Will you let Me heal you?”

My shoulders shook and hot tears poured down my face as I nodded. I knew this would hurt, but I didn’t want to live this way anymore.

The days that followed were painful as You cleaned and bandaged my feet. I hid my tears from You when You would gently peel away the bandage, clean my wounds and wrap them again. When it finally came time to fix my claws, I winced and cried as You cut away the nails that had dug into my flesh. I tried so hard to keep my pain from You, but when I looked, I saw tears streaming down Your face as You worked to make me better, and my heart shattered.

Days passed and You cared for my every need and You never left my side. You were there for all of it and You healed my feet. You took off the final bandaged and looked at me, beaming with a smile and said “Try walking.”

My face, still grimy, smiled hugely, and I shakily tried to stand again. You were right there. You helped me out of the chair and stood me up. You stood in front of me and held my hands as I took the first steps on feet that didn’t hurt. Your hands slipped from mine and hovered right before me and I walked toward You on my own on feet that didn’t hurt.

I walked until I fell into Your arms, exhausted from the effort, but You were right there to catch me and You lifted me up and carried me to safety, away from the chair I had lived in for days. You fed me and gave me water and rest. When I woke You walked me to the river and said yet again “Trust Me”

I looked at the crystal clear water and at my clean feet. I stepped in up to my ankles, hating that I wasn’t clean enough to get all the way in.

You looked at me “Do you want to be clean?”

I lashed out angrily “I can’t! I’ll ruin the water!”

You laughed and took my hands and said sweetly “There is no amount of dirt that I can’t clean. And there is no amount of dirt that will make this water dirty. This water is My living water.”

I stood with my ankles in the water, unwilling to let You do more. Afraid I would ruin it, despite Your reassurance, and afraid that You had done enough for me already. You smiled and sat down in the water beside me and said patiently “I’ll wait.”

I stood there for days trying to stay standing, and You waited patiently for me. You held me up when I couldn’t stay awake. You fed me when I was hungry and You gave me water when I was thirsty and each day You asked me “Do you want to be clean?”

Finally I looked at You and gave in. I did want to be clean, but all my fears held me back and I didn’t know how to take the first step and Your voice called to me again and You stretched out Your hands to me “Trust Me.”

I closed my eyes and ran towards You in the water and You pulled me into Your arms and sat me on a rock under a waterfall. I leaned into the clean fresh water as it pushed down my face and over my body. I noticed the ache, and the burn and the sting as it pushed into cuts and scrapes and wounds and washed away the scabs. But I didn’t care. You sat there and held my hand and I loved every second of being in Your presence. We stayed there for what felt like a moment but all that dirt and grime and scabs had washed away. When I emerged from the falls with You, You carried my bleeding, clean body to safety and asked me once more “Will you let me Me heal you?”

I looked down at the wounds that had reopened and I wanted to hide them because I knew this would hurt and it would hurt so much more than the last time, but I offered You my arm with all my cuts on it and You went to work. Once more I cringed and hid my tears from You as You worked tirelessly, caring for the wounds on my arms and my hands. Tears streamed down Your face as I stifled cries as You stitched the few that were to wide to heal without them. Your tears fell on my hands and You kissed my wrist.

When those finally healed I offered You my legs so You could heal the wounds on them. There were cuts and gravel in my legs and I trembled as You had to get all the gravel out so the infection would stop. I no longer hid my cries from You but I sobbed as You skillfully and gently as possible cut out the gravel and the pieces that were embedded in me that would infect my legs. You cried with me and constantly reassured me that “This won’t last forever, this won’t hurt forever.” I whispered Your words to myself trying desperately to believe You and finally when the most painful part was done, You stitched me up and let me rest.

I slept for days and dreamed horrible dreams. I felt awful and cold and hot and shaky all at the same time. I vaguely remember seeing Your face as You gave me water and tried to get me to eat, but I know that You were there the whole time. Even when I was unconscious. You had never left me before and I know You didn’t leave me then. When I woke up Your face was the first to great me and You were smiling as if I had just won a battle of great risk and You were glowing with joy and pride and You pulled me tight into Your arms weeping with joy and I buried my face into Your chest and clung to You.

We rejoiced and danced, and ate and rested and You loved me with everything in your being and you gave me everything. Finally, as we walked down the road again You asked me “Will you let Me heal You?” I shook and cried knowing the wound You asked me about that I had hidden from You and kept from You because I did not want to feel that pain. But when I was done crying I looked at Your face, and said “I trust You.”

Later that evening, we sat down and I let You see my deepest wound: an arrow had pierced my chest, just missing my heart. I had cut off the back and the front of the arrow and had allowed myself to heal with it still inside me. It caused me pain every day. Pain that I dismissed, because I was used to it. Pain I dismissed because I knew it would hurt more than anything to heal it. But You knew it was there and You wanted to heal me and I knew that this would not last forever. So I let You lay me down and I took a deep breath and let You begin.
I cried and screamed and wept. I yelled at You “This HURTS JESUS! I can’t do it!”

You worked tirelessly and with great care, giving me breaks when it was safe and whispering “I know baby. I know it hurts. It’s gonna be over soon. I promise. I’ve got You.”

I would cry out and You would whisper “I know. I’ve got You. Trust Me.”

Your words ‘Trust Me.” were a comfort to my soul and like anesthetic for my wound. Your words gave me courage to keep going to keep trusting in You, because You had gotten me through before. You have never left me. You never gave up on me and You stay beside me.
When I said no, You waited.

When I said yes, You touched only what I gave You. That touch, so painful, but so sweet, had saved my life from that darkness. That touch had healed my wounds before. That touch had brought me into joy and brought a love so deep into my heart and into my soul that I wouldn’t trade it for anything. That touch had taken the hag that I created and that the world and others and myself had harmed, bruised, broken, and marred, looked past it and saw a beauty in me I didn’t know existed. That touch washed away all the dirt and grime from my life that people threw at me, that I threw at myself and it washed me clean. That touch had taken me out of deepest sorrow and into joy, unimaginable joy! Your words “Trust Me.” are a sweet reminder of who You are and what You have done: more sacrifice than I can imagine. You loved me, when I couldn’t even look at myself, and You grew in me a love for You that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

So I laid there and let You work on me. I laid there and told You it hurts and You didn’t turn from me. I laid there and let You heal me even though it hurt more than I ever imagined. I laid there because You have proven to me time and again, that You love me and delight in me. I laid there because You have proven time and again that I can trust You. I laid there and thought about all the times I trusted You, because without those times and without Your presence I would have run. I laid there because I love You and I want to love You more.

And when all of it was done, you laid there with me, and cared for me again. You healed me, and the pain was over. It didn’t last forever. You healed me and we stood and walked together in freedom and in light, all because You loved me when I was wretched. You loved me and made me new. You loved. . . me.