But I am still lonely. All the time, no matter how hard I try to seek Him, I don't feel His presence more often than I do feel His presence. I know that God puts us through times of testing for a reason, but it feels like my life is one long test: to be alone. No matter how hard I try, people will always fail me, and it will end up just me.
I have really been struggling with this lately and it came to a point yesterday, brought on by several other things. So I talked to my best friend and we were up into the wee hours of the night talking about life, and God. That time was so precious to me, but when I got to church this morning I still felt deserted.
I opened a book I'm reading, it's for Christian women, and I started reading and a word resonated in my soul: "guilt".
All of my life I have felt guilty for one reason or another, and often just felt guilty for being alive, for failing to be perfect, for being sad, for having so many things happen to me all that time that makes me hurt and sad all the time. I feel guilt for not being a positive light for Christ in everyone's life, for not being a perfect example of who He is.
My friend and I had talked about that last night and I really didn't think I felt guilty, and I don't struggle with guilt nearly as much anymore. But when I read that word today God spoke to my heart.
My guilt from the past is still holding onto me. It affects how I act, what I say, and who I am.
I still try to be perfect, because I'm afraid of being guilty.
I don't know how to change that.
But I know that I need to work on clinging to Jesus and trusting Him to be my all. Trusting Him to seek me and find me when I call His name. Trusting Him to never leave me. Seeking Him out first when I'm hurt, afraid, and fail at perfection.
Because what I always do when I fail at perfection, is distance myself from the people who it hurts the most, and one of them is God.
I need to set aside my fear of guilt, my fear of not being enough, my fear of being imperfect and work on realizing, not just in my head but in my entire being, with every essence of my understanding and my soul that God. is enough for me. and I don't have to do anything.
So yea I have problems, and I admit that freely. But when I read that word today, I knew that my fear of being found guilty by Him, is pushing me away from Him.
I have to recognize that and decide daily to come, guilty, before God, and accept His grace.
I still don't know how to do that, because having to be perfect to be loved has been deeply ingrained in me.
But, God is the same today as He was yesterday. He is the same as He was those times that He showed up and I felt His presence and heard His voice. He is the same God that I served when I got hurt when I hit rock bottom. He is the same God that called me to Him. He is the same God that proved He loves me. He is the same God that endured beatings, thorns, nails in His hands, and ultimately death so that I wouldn't have to. He is the same God that conquered death so I could live with Him. He is the same God that declares I am His child. He is the same God that brought His children out of the desert into the promise land. He is the same God that fulfilled all of His promises. He is the same God that walked with Adam and Eve. He is the same God that breathed the galaxies into existence. He is the same God that created light in the darkness. He is the same God then, now, and for eternity, and that God calls me and you by name, and walks with us each day, and that is undeniable.
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Acts 4:12
"Salvation is found in no one else. For there is no other name under heaven, given to men, by which we must be saved."
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
Isaiah 44:22
"I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
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