Today I taught math to 3 different math levels at the same time for the second day in a row. It was just as crazy as it was yesterday.
The day came and left. I wish I could say that I felt different than other days and that I knew why I feel so numb. But I don't.
What I do know, is that drinking pickle juice shots while grading math papers, understanding a little bit of how gravity, inertia, light, sounds, the universe works . . . well, it's quite relaxing. The world just swirls around all day every day. I have nothing of any real value to say to anyone. No smile to really give, because I just feel nothing. Sometimes the world just spins and what I don't feel turns into a disjointed chaos of stunned emotions.
But sitting on my couch, drinking pickle juice shots, grading math, and watching Big Bang Theory, seems to settle that chaos back into its own pieces.
I really don't have much to say today, or really any day. I feel like each day should be its own adventure but all too often each day is just an endless tunnel for whatever unknown reason.
But like the saying goes: if you're walking through hell don't stop walking till you get out.
I know that I have many reasons for feeling so numb. But I also know that I don't want to admit those things to myself. Pickle juice isn't a cure all for grief and sadness, and neither is time. Greif and sadness don't work within time or a linear trajectory. They exist to remind you of what you loved about what you lost.
Unfortunately, grief can't be explained by math, my emotions, or the universe. It doesn't follow any one law. Greif changes. It's different with every person, every situation, and every experience. But it exists in everyone's reality with meekness and ferocity.
The one thing about grief that is certain, you can't make it disappear by ignoring its presence, but you have to have enough courage to acknowledge it.
So maybe tomorrow you and I will find courage, maybe next week, maybe next year. Even if it takes a while, let's keep looking.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Romans 8:37 - 39
The one who loves us gives us an overwhelming victory in all these difficulties. I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love which Christ Jesus our Lord shows us. We can’t be separated by death or life, by angels or rulers, by anything in the present or anything in the future, by forces or powers in the world above or in the world below, or by anything else in creation.
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