Dear Annie: Ugly

Dear Annie,
Once again I relate all too well to this chapter. You shared your story about how ugly chased you through high school and into college and how you still feel the "Maybe if I ..."
I think every girl goes through this, my students, my siblings, even my mentors have gone through this, and it amazes me that even with all these beautiful women struggling with ugly we can't see that we're in the same spot.
My story of being chased by ugly started pretty young too and grew over time. I grew up in a conservative Christian home, and my parents also run a Christian school, so for as long as I can remember everything I wore had to be their definition of appropriate, and I had to "represent" the school. By the time I turned ten I wore long skirts to hide my legs because I was convinced my legs were a sin, and they were ugly and disgusting, I only wore loose shirts because anything even mildly "form-fitting" was considered provocative and inappropriate, not to mention I inherited shoulders that prevent(ed) me from wearing shirts that were/are actually my size. Anyway to get to the point, every time I wore something that made me feel pretty someone would say something like "are you sure you want to wear that?" or "you have to represent the school" or "you can't wear that, if you wear that men will look at you and think sinful things about you." So I was taught that being beautiful was sinful, and moreover feeling beautiful was sinful, and because of my oversize shoulders (thank you Viking heritage) and my very tall height (5'11") by the time I was 12 I felt huge, and ugly compared to my peers, so I would just skip eating for days, and all through high school I weighed 165lbs as an eventually 6' tall woman with thick bone structure who had a lot of muscle weight. Granted I did eat a TON of ice cream when I did eat, but I would consistently not eat because I was convinced I was too big, too tall, too fat. Looking back at pictures now I'm shocked at how drawn my face was and how unhealthily skinny I was.
Finally, when I graduated high school and went to college I had a whole different battle to face, my body started changing, and I actually at 3 meals a day and in my first year of college I went from 165lbs to 200lbs. I now weigh 210 and am still trying to figure out how to deal with all of that. Although I have figured out that firstly, I'm not actually fat. I currently am about 10-15lbs overweight, or (in my opinion more accurately) I have 3" excess belly fat (which is not that much I know) but I still struggle with that idea of being too big, and having a tummy and chest (because apparently not eating keeps that from growing properly and then eating makes it catch up to you) that actually matches the size of my build makes me feel bulky and huge, even though I'm not that far from healthy.
I know that ugly is going to chase me, probably for quite some time, but I hope someday I can stand my ground, and look ugly in the face and say "no. I am too this and that or too little this and that. I am me, and I am free and beautiful in Jesus Christ." Unfortunately, the lies that feed ugly come from people around me and from society, so in order to face ugly, we also have to face people and society.

So Annie, I hope someday that both of us can face ugly and those who feed it, and that we can stand our ground in Jesus Christ, and our freedom in Him, and stand in the goodness and beauty of who God made us to be. Thanks for sharing your story Annie, and thanks for listening to mine, whoever is reading this, and to those who are reading this, what's your ugly story? how does ugly chase you?


God thank you again for Annie and for the book she has shared with the world and with me. I pray over my life, her life and every living woman and man who is fighting against ugly. I pray that you would show us your design for each of us. That you would reveal to each of us the intricacies of what makes us beautiful and unique. That you would help us conquer the lies that have been fed to us so we can stand in your truth and so we can stand in front of a mirror and see your handiwork without uglys shadow lensing our eyes. God I ask that you would reveal to us the beauty of your design in each of our spirits, souls, and bodies.
Lord please bless each of the people who read this and encourage them to stop feeding ugly. Encourage us all to stop feeding ugly so that we can see ourselves through your eyes and take hold of who you say we are.
We ask these things in your name under the covering of your blood.
Amen

Dear Annie: In the Absence of Lovely

Dear Annie,
In this chapter of your book "Looking for Lovely" you focused on shame and guilt, and I relate so much!!! I have always struggled with shame and guilt for so many things and from so many sources. Just like you and so many other girls and women out there, the devil started early with me. Building strongholds in my heart that were so impenetrable I was convinced that I am not worthwhile, I am not beautiful, and everything I do will amount to nothing and will be despised by those around me. I was convinced that I was unloveable and that God only loved me because He has to.

Around fall this year I had a little crush on someone and I was so afraid just like you were with Matt. I was so terrified that, on the off chance he would fall for me, he would get to know me and discover my sin, my anger, my depravity, and who I thought I truly was: worthless. I never did find out whether this person liked me, but about a month ago I had a realization: I'm actually a good person.
Yea I sin. I've got some sinful strongholds I'm working through with the Lord. But the desire of my heart is to love God and be more like Him, and to care for the people around me in His name, and if the desire of my heart lines up with who the Bible says I am. Then I. am. NOT. worthless.

So just as soon as I came to this realization, God was like okay, lets put this to the test. He threw a random person into my life who thinks I am basically a magical unicorn gift from God, who does not walk closely with the Lord, and said "does your worth depend on a man/boyfriend/husband or does it depend on me?" And because of that situation I finally figured out who I want to be, I didn't really have hope that I could accomplish it, but I figured out who I want to be, and that I do choose to be defined by God, and not a man/boyfriend/husband (which is a huge thing for me, because I was pining over not being married when I was 14 (LOL)).

I still struggle with looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm beautiful even with a few extra pounds and semi blotchy face, and viking sized shoulders and rib cage. I still struggle with that. But I am doing so much better, and like I talked about in my last letter I am choosing to hope and have faith. Now I know that my shoulders and rib cage and face are going to be the same size, but I am hoping and praying that I can accept that I am beautiful even with those socially unacceptable features, and I know someday I'll get there.

But this last week, of choosing to place my hope in the Lord, even when the answers are long in coming, I have been more at peace, more hopeful, more joyful, and the least self-hating than I have ever been in my life.

I am super excited to read what you have in store next in your book looking for lovely, and I will continue to put my hope and faith Jesus Christ, and I will add telling Satan "not today!" to my morning list!

Thank you so much for your words Annie!

Lord Jesus,
thank you for who you are, and who you always will be. thank you for my friend Annie. Thank you for the work you're doing in both of our lives. Thank you that you are changing who I am to reflect who I want to be: more like you, every single day. Thank you that you have taken my fears and nailed them to the cross along with my sins. Thank you that Satan does not have any power over me unless I give it to him. Thank you that you are sovereign. God I ask that you would light my path as I go onto this new life journey spiritually, emotionally, and physically as I prepare to move. I ask that you would pour out your wisdom and strength on me and give me courage to be your megaphone. I pray for Annie that you would touch her heart right now, that she would feel your presence wash over her. That she would feel confident in you.
God thank you so much for all you are doing in our lives! Bless this week and all we come into contact with! In your name, under the covering of your blood, Amen.