Dear Annie,
In this chapter of your book "Looking for Lovely" you focused on shame and guilt, and I relate so much!!! I have always struggled with shame and guilt for so many things and from so many sources. Just like you and so many other girls and women out there, the devil started early with me. Building strongholds in my heart that were so impenetrable I was convinced that I am not worthwhile, I am not beautiful, and everything I do will amount to nothing and will be despised by those around me. I was convinced that I was unloveable and that God only loved me because He has to.
Around fall this year I had a little crush on someone and I was so afraid just like you were with Matt. I was so terrified that, on the off chance he would fall for me, he would get to know me and discover my sin, my anger, my depravity, and who I thought I truly was: worthless. I never did find out whether this person liked me, but about a month ago I had a realization: I'm actually a good person.
Yea I sin. I've got some sinful strongholds I'm working through with the Lord. But the desire of my heart is to love God and be more like Him, and to care for the people around me in His name, and if the desire of my heart lines up with who the Bible says I am. Then I. am. NOT. worthless.
So just as soon as I came to this realization, God was like okay, lets put this to the test. He threw a random person into my life who thinks I am basically a magical unicorn gift from God, who does not walk closely with the Lord, and said "does your worth depend on a man/boyfriend/husband or does it depend on me?" And because of that situation I finally figured out who I want to be, I didn't really have hope that I could accomplish it, but I figured out who I want to be, and that I do choose to be defined by God, and not a man/boyfriend/husband (which is a huge thing for me, because I was pining over not being married when I was 14 (LOL)).
I still struggle with looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm beautiful even with a few extra pounds and semi blotchy face, and viking sized shoulders and rib cage. I still struggle with that. But I am doing so much better, and like I talked about in my last letter I am choosing to hope and have faith. Now I know that my shoulders and rib cage and face are going to be the same size, but I am hoping and praying that I can accept that I am beautiful even with those socially unacceptable features, and I know someday I'll get there.
But this last week, of choosing to place my hope in the Lord, even when the answers are long in coming, I have been more at peace, more hopeful, more joyful, and the least self-hating than I have ever been in my life.
I am super excited to read what you have in store next in your book looking for lovely, and I will continue to put my hope and faith Jesus Christ, and I will add telling Satan "not today!" to my morning list!
Thank you so much for your words Annie!
Lord Jesus,
thank you for who you are, and who you always will be. thank you for my friend Annie. Thank you for the work you're doing in both of our lives. Thank you that you are changing who I am to reflect who I want to be: more like you, every single day. Thank you that you have taken my fears and nailed them to the cross along with my sins. Thank you that Satan does not have any power over me unless I give it to him. Thank you that you are sovereign. God I ask that you would light my path as I go onto this new life journey spiritually, emotionally, and physically as I prepare to move. I ask that you would pour out your wisdom and strength on me and give me courage to be your megaphone. I pray for Annie that you would touch her heart right now, that she would feel your presence wash over her. That she would feel confident in you.
God thank you so much for all you are doing in our lives! Bless this week and all we come into contact with! In your name, under the covering of your blood, Amen.
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