I sat in my room trying to sleep, super bored and just needing . . . something but I didn't know what. Finally I got back up and turned on the lights and scanned my shelves for a book and I picked up Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I had read the first several pages almost a year ago but had never made time to finish the book. So I sat down and continued reading, and these three phrases stood out to me:
- "Not 'safe' and 'nice' women, not merely 'sweet' but passionate and powerful women who were beautiful as warriors."
- "We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure."
- "Glorious, powerful, and captivating."
These were the words, the phrases that I needed to hear. I have always struggled with which side of me should I be? The side that could take you down if I wanted to, who can buck hay, who (before I got a chronic injury) could squat 200 pounds and kick anybody's butt at sit ups and swimming. Or should I be the part of me that's really delicate. That is afraid, that wants to be loved and cared for that wants to be needed, that wants to be seen as a beautiful irreplaceable person. Who loves to dance, but is to timid to dance in front of anyone, who loves cooking and drawing (but really isn't super good at drawing yet).
I know that I'm all these things, I know that I can be rough, and that I can be a pushover, I can be really loud, and so shy that I don't even want to talk. But I always struggle with the question "who should I be".
It has been particularly difficult lately because I'm coming up on two years of being single after being engaged, and then being broken up with over the phone. Even two years later I constantly fight with my inner self deciding "I just won't ever get married", trying to convince myself that I don't want it, even though I really want to be wanted and loved, and I want to have the opportunity to limitlessly love someone else. and then there's the part of me that makes me cry at night wondering if I just wasn't enough, wondering if I'll ever be enough. sometimes I wonder if I'm beautiful or not, some days I think yes, others I'm not sure, and I'm still not brave enough to look at myself in the mirror and say to people that I am beautiful, because I still wonder. I wonder if I really am beautiful enough, not just on the outside, but on the inside, for anyone to love me enough to stay, and I honestly don't know.
I fight with myself over how much I want to be married trying desperately to be content, but no matter how hard I try, I still feel achingly lonely, and I feel like I don't have a reason to feel that way.
but those words I read today spoke to each of those things I struggle with:
- "Not 'safe' and 'nice' women, not merely 'sweet' but passionate and powerful women who were beautiful as warriors."
I don't need to decide which side of me to be. I am all of those things. I can wrestle a 200 pound ram to the ground, and I can be gentle and graceful, and sweet (apparently, cus that's how my friends describe me.)
- "We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure."
oh my goodness this really just pulled on my heart strings. cus like I said, I go back and forth inside myself over being married, not being married, and whether or not wanting to be married and loved is wrong or not. and whether or not I will ever be valuable enough to someone for them to stay. and this was so reaffirming, because other people feel all those fears too, and they are valid and it's okay.
- "Glorious, powerful, and captivating."
I know so many women who fit this description in their own way and zero women who don't, including myself, even though I still have twinges of doubt. I just listed stuff off to prove it.
So my dear fellow single ladies,
I know that because of loneliness you have:
spent nights cuddled close to your stuffed penguin.
Many nights crying in your pillow
sat alone watching Netflix for hours
ate a whole quart of ice cream by yourself in one sitting while watching Netflix and/or crying
felt so worthless that you wonder if there's a point to living.
I just want to take the time to remind you of what that book reminded me:
you are not alone, you are good at so many things. You are diverse, you are beautiful, you are strong in your own way, and you are gentle in your own way. Take a moment and look at who you are, how are you strong? if you can't come up with an answer ask a friend.
How are you gentle? How are you passionate?
Take a moment to remember that you are all those things, that you are not alone, that you are an irreplaceable, glorious, powerful, and captivating woman of God, and most importantly, you are loved.
~ Michelle B. Rose
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