Whirlwinds vs. Life

I've missed posting the last few days because each day was its own whirlwind. Saturday held exciting and exhausting things for me all day. It started early, ended quite late. Sunday was its own ordeal. I was so busy I didn't even get to stop and eat real food until I got up again at midnight to listen to my cramping stomach.  Monday was . . . . interesting. Not busy but interesting, and I ended up with a migraine. Tuesday was once again super busy but it ended really well. Finally, we have arrived at today: Wednesday which was yet another whirlwind. Allergies are kicking my butt. I was so sick from them this morning that my body tried to vomit every time I blew my nose. But here we are at the end of the day, not much better, and I pretty much just had tea, dried mangos, and an egg today.

And I realized that all I can think of is how absolutely miserable I am. 

Life has a funny way of doing that. Every time I get determined to do something that will help me grow, like voicing my thoughts on this blog or reading that book I'm using with Bible study. Well, life has a funny way of putting me in a whirlwind. Everything just swirls around me keeping me so busy, or so miserable that I forget my determination and put off my study, and my blog until tomorrow. But the whirlwinds don't stop tomorrow because life (or in my opinion Satan and his minions) has another whirlwind waiting. 

Everyday stuff happens that prevents us from focusing on drawing near to God and focusing on voicing/learning who He is to us. Everyday stuff happens that will distract from what God is trying to do and what He is teaching. Everyday stuff distracts us from relationships, which causes those to deteriorate. 

So why do we focus on the stuff (the whirlwind) and say oh yea that's just "life". 

What we should really say is that's just circumstance. Because the stuff that happens to pull us away from things is not "life". It happens in our lives but those things themselves are not life. 

If you look life up in the dictionary you will find that it says:

"the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being
 manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to 
environment through changes originating internally."

So what this means is

 1. life is not dead and it is not an inorganic object. 

2. life is shown by growth in the human body, by babies, and by how living things adapt themselves to their surroundings. 

If you look up life in the Bible you will find many things. Here are a few: 

Luke 12:23

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. 23For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes."

John 14:6

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

1 John 5:12

He who has the Son has the life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have the life.

1 Corinthians 15:22

For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all will be made alive.

I think you get the point. Basically, life, to be alive is to have the wellspring of Christ inside of you. Life is not food, circumstances, clothing. Life is more important than those things. Life is not the whirlwind that distracts us from what really matters which *is* life. Life is your friends, life is your children, life is your parents, life. is. Jesus Christ. 

If we lose sight of those things via Satans whirlwinds and roadblocks then are we really living? No. I don't think we are. 

So tonight I am going to bed, still sick from allergies and still quite miserable. But I am still full of life because life happened today: my siblings, my visiting uncle, my parents, my cats, and dog lived today and I experienced life, their lives. But most importantly I am alive because inside of me in my soul is a force that conquered death: Jesus Christ, and inside of me I know that my Redeemer lives! 

Fall

The last third of the year is my absolute favorite, and it begins with fall.
Fall brings cozy sweaters and blankets, hot cider and cocoa with little marshmallows. Sitting by the fire wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. Cuddles with cold kitties, the crisp scent of the cold breeze. Beautiful colors in the sky, the trees, and eventually on the ground when the leaves fall covering the floor of the earth with a myriad of vibrant beautiful colors. It brings cinnamon candles and wax tarts. It cozy scarfs and fuzzy gloves, and two of my absolute favorite things is the way people begin to interact in this last portion of the year and decorating.
I adore decorating and making things look beautiful.
I know fall won't technically start until September 22nd. Which, granted is only a couple weeks away. But I am already planning my decorations. Since this coming week is the last week I have before my life becomes a crazy mess for a month or two while I get into the pattern of teaching and attending school. I'm planning on starting to decorate this week and today's step is cleaning. While I don't enjoy cleaning when people are here, cleaning by myself is quite soothing! :) But that's not the point I'm trying to get too.
The other one of my absolute favorite things, the way people interact, is amazing to me. It's the beginning of school and you get to watch students reunite with friends, and new kids make new friends. Even though most kids don't enjoy the academic part of school, their faces light up when they see each other in the hall or find out they have the same class together. It's amazing to watch new life, new joy, new friendship enter into their lives and I love it!
But things don't just change for students, but also for adults. The kids aren't at home all the time now and finally you don't have to worry about finding a sitter or staying home all day and you get to have some space and rest and you get new energy.
Not only that but fall heralds in my absolute favorite season: Christmas season, not necessarily the actual day of Christmas, but the Christmas season. Now I know all of you just groaned a little. But think about it. Right after fall and all its festivities and all of those smiles and changes in attitude I just mentioned. After all of that comes a season of love and giving. I know there are people who dread Christmas because of all the money they spend and the hours spent in line. But for the rest of the world, especially for children. It too is a magical time of year.
People going out of their way to spend time with each other. Going out of their way to make sure they find just the right thing so they can see your face light up. The way the houses are decorated, and they light up the night. All I can think of when I see Christmas lights is how magical it is, and how wonderful the season is.
I am excited that my favorite time of year is just up ahead: a time of love, renewed life, giving, warm fuzzies, beautiful and magical sights, delicious drinks, wonderful smells, all at our finger tips, and it all starts with fall.

Here's heralding in a season I hope will be as magical for you as it is for me! <3

Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows his handywork."

Luke 2:14
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men!"

Psalm 96:11 - 12

"Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it. 


Isaiah 40:26 "Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these [things], that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that [he is] strong in power; not one faileth."

Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy."

Rain

Since the beginning of August, Oregon has been filled with smoke from fires. In the last few weeks, it has gotten considerably worse. It has begun to suffocate the plants on our porch and cause them to wilt and lose the vibrancy of their color. 

Not only has the smoke been suffocating the plants but the last few days, more fires have started, one of which destroyed hundreds of miles of the Columbia Gorge going from Oregon to Washington. After this particular fire started the air quality rose to the worst it has been all summer causing "outdoor school" to be held in doors. The entire state of Oregon has been praying for rain for months now and finally, we felt the smallest drops yesterday. 

Today when we started worship, we began with "Let It Rain". When we took our lunch break and went outside you could smell it in the air and before the end of Outdoor school rain was pouring down, and the students rushed back outside to get a taste. 

It was like a miracle had happened. Just yesterday everyone was covering their mouths and having allergic reactions to the smoke. But as soon as it started to rain everyone and everything breathed in fresh air. 

The students played, stood, and/or sat in the rain, smiles on their faces, until they were thoroughly soaked. Even the plants on our porch have been revived. Instead of withering in both stem and color, the flowers have a renewed vibrancy in their petals and it's almost as if you can see in the color a breath of relief. 

It's amazing how something as simple as rain can bring so much life to creatures and plants that were gasping for air. 

It's amazing that for the first time in weeks I can walk outside and breathe. I can smell the rain. I can feel the moisture in the air that had been so dry for what felt would become an endless amount of time. 

How can something so simple as rain, be such a miracle? 

Isaiah 45:8"Drip down, O heavens, from above, And let the clouds pour down righteousness; Let the earth open up and salvation bear fruit, And righteousness spring up with it. I, the LORD, have created it." 

John 4:14
"But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

John 7:38
"He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'"

Pickle Shots and Mathematics

I love pickle juice, and I love math.

Today I taught math to 3 different math levels at the same time for the second day in a row. It was just as crazy as it was yesterday. 

The day came and left. I wish I could say that I felt different than other days and that I knew why I feel so numb. But I don't. 

What I do know, is that drinking pickle juice shots while grading math papers, understanding a little bit of how gravity, inertia, light, sounds, the universe works . . .  well, it's quite relaxing. The world just swirls around all day every day. I have nothing of any real value to say to anyone. No smile to really give, because I just feel nothing. Sometimes the world just spins and what I don't feel turns into a disjointed chaos of stunned emotions. 

But sitting on my couch, drinking pickle juice shots, grading math, and watching Big Bang Theory, seems to settle that chaos back into its own pieces. 

I really don't have much to say today, or really any day. I feel like each day should be its own adventure but all too often each day is just an endless tunnel for whatever unknown reason. 

But like the saying goes: if you're walking through hell don't stop walking till you get out. 

I know that I have many reasons for feeling so numb. But I also know that I don't want to admit those things to myself. Pickle juice isn't a cure all for grief and sadness, and neither is time. Greif and sadness don't work within time or a linear trajectory. They exist to remind you of what you loved about what you lost. 

Unfortunately, grief can't be explained by math, my emotions, or the universe. It doesn't follow any one law. Greif changes. It's different with every person, every situation, and every experience. But it exists in everyone's reality with meekness and ferocity. 

The one thing about grief that is certain, you can't make it disappear by ignoring its presence, but you have to have enough courage to acknowledge it. 

So maybe tomorrow you and I will find courage, maybe next week, maybe next year. Even if it takes a while, let's keep looking. 

2 Timothy 1:7 

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Romans 8:37 - 39

The one who loves us gives us an overwhelming victory in all these difficulties. I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love which Christ Jesus our Lord shows us. We can’t be separated by death or life, by angels or rulers, by anything in the present or anything in the future, by forces or powers in the world above or in the world below, or by anything else in creation.

Life/Writers Block

Ya know how when you're trying to write and you come up with so many ideas and all of them are lame, and you've just hit a wall? 

That is exactly what I've been going through with this blog post. I've started several drafts, but I keep hitting a wall. 

Well, ironically writer's block is similar to my life right now. I just feel like I've hit a wall. I love my students and the relationships I've worked to build with them. I love my family and my friends, but with all of those relationships and with my life and my passions. It's like a keep running into a wall. 

I read posts from my Christian peers that are filled with smiles, new things, significant others, and what I am the most jealous of: friends. 

While I know several people my age who feel like I do, hence why we started S.A.D (Sad Anxious and Depressed: Together Alone!), I know a significant number more of people who are happy with their life, and who actually make time to spend with their friends, which by the way is a *mutual* effort. 

I've been trying for a couple months now to get people to spend time with me, and consistently maybe one or two of the S.A.D members show up, and while I love my S.A.D people, I can't help feel that I've hit a wall in all my other friendships and my life. 

Which may be why I talk like Marvin (from Hitchhikers). 

So I've got writer's block tonight and life block, but really there's nothing I can change about either right now because neither of those things just magically go away. 

Writer's block goes away after persistently writing. If life block is really as close to writer's block as it feels I suppose the same principle should apply. 

Whether my blog or my story pulls together, isn't controlled by my physical ability to write. It's determined by my willingness to keep trying. In the same respect, my life block isn't determined by my mental acuity, or my physical ability to give hugs and tea to crying students. It's determined by my willingness to keep trying, to keep reaching out, to keep hoping that the people I cherish will make time for me. 

But just like writers block, if I sit and do nothing, if I don't write, if I don't try . . . I will never get past it, and I will be stuck behind this wall for eternity. 

So I guess for myself, and to anyone reading this who may know exactly how this feels: stay strong, keep writing. keep living. keep trying. That wall can't last forever. 

Life is Messy

Tonight I'm writing as I sit in my messy room. I spent all day cleaning, and/or crying. Though I worked all day I feel as though I've accomplished nothing. My room is still a mess, the house is still a mess, the bathroom is . . . . . messier than a mess.
Not only are my surroundings messy but my emotions and my thought processes are messy. I feel so many things all at the same time, and yet I feel nothing. There's so much confusion, hurt, chaos, loneliness, regret, and exhaustion in my heart that I just feel numb.
I keep trying to resolve to be joyful, to continue to take care of people who need me, even though they just tear me down every day. I keep trying to resolve to spend more time with God and to be more dedicated to my students. But all of this, this resolve, my efforts, are draining me of everything, and pulling me every which way, making my world even messier, even though I keep trying to pick up the pieces.
Sometimes I feel like a mother with too many children. I clean up one mess while my kids make another. I put a band-aid on one cut while my other kids fall into more injury. I resolve one fight while my other kids start another. No matter how hard I try there's another mess for me to clean up as soon as I'm done.
The only thing I keep coming back to is, there's too much work for me to do by myself, but who is going to help me?
Well even though I don't feel like it, Jesus. Jesus is going to help me.
Now some of you may be thinking I'm ridiculous for comparing myself to that one mom with all those kids, but in reality, I'm more like her than you would think. Even though I'm single, I'm the peace keeper in fights every day. I come home to yet another mess I need to clean, even though I asked for the person who made it to clean it up. When people get hurt or injured emotionally or physically I'm there with tea or a literal band-aid. I'm always on call for my students, because sometimes they need me, and I will never turn my back on people who need me. I love my students, and I love the people I take care of while I'm at home. But what I do is never enough. When I go to bed at night things are still . . . well messy.
I keep wondering how those single mothers do it. Man. They are like superheroes ya'll.
But tonight as I look at my mess, both internally and externally. I know that I can't clean it all by myself. I know that I can't keep my patience much longer if I can't say "okay honey. That's on you. I'll be back in 10." I know, that I can't try to do my life and take care of all my responsibilities and all my students and my family by myself. I need help. I need Jesus.
He is the one who picked up the pieces, for all of history when He died on the cross. He is the one who cleaned up Adam and Eve's mess. He is the one who healed the sick, the lame, and the blind. He already cleaned up the biggest mess in history: sin.
Who am I to sit in my messy corner while He offers me help and say, tears streaming down my face, "no it's okay bruh, I got this."
So. instead of resolving to be joyful, and to keep taking care of people and their messes by myself. My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, and tackle this mess with Him, and not just by myself.
'Cus life is messy. It's a mess that doesn't end, a mess that we can't possibly hope to keep clean by ourselves, and that's okay.
It's okay to need help. It's okay to be at your wit's end. It's okay to feel so many things that you feel numb. It's okay to cry. It's okay that things are messy. But it is not okay to lose hope because you're not alone. You have your friends, you have your family, and even when all of those people fail you, there's one thing, one person that remains, and His name is Jesus.
So yeah life is . . . a huge mess, but don't lose hope. You are not alone, the God of the universe walks beside you whispering your name, saying "I love you. I am with you."


Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.

To My Fellow Single Laides:

I sat in my room trying to sleep, super bored and just needing . . . something but I didn't know what. Finally I got back up and turned on the lights and scanned my shelves for a book and I picked up Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I had read the first several pages almost a year ago but had never made time to finish the book. So I sat down and continued reading, and these three phrases stood out to me:
- "Not 'safe' and 'nice' women, not merely 'sweet' but passionate and powerful women who were beautiful as warriors."

- "We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure."

- "Glorious, powerful, and captivating."

These were the words, the phrases that I needed to hear. I have always struggled with which side of me should I be? The side that could take you down if I wanted to, who can buck hay, who (before I got a chronic injury) could squat 200 pounds and kick anybody's butt at sit ups and swimming. Or should I be the part of me that's really delicate. That is afraid, that wants to be loved and cared for that wants to be needed, that wants to be seen as a beautiful irreplaceable person. Who loves to dance, but is to timid to dance in front of anyone, who loves cooking and drawing (but really isn't super good at drawing yet).
I know that I'm all these things, I know that I can be rough, and that I can be a pushover, I can be really loud, and so shy that I don't even want to talk. But I always struggle with the question "who should I be".
It has been particularly difficult lately because I'm coming up on two years of being single after being engaged, and then being broken up with over the phone. Even two years later I constantly fight with my inner self deciding "I just won't ever get married",  trying to convince myself that I don't want it, even though I really want to be wanted and loved, and I want to have the opportunity to limitlessly love someone else. and then there's the part of me that makes me cry at night wondering if I just wasn't enough, wondering if I'll ever be enough. sometimes I wonder if I'm beautiful or not, some days I think yes, others I'm not sure, and I'm still not brave enough to look at myself in the mirror and say to people that I am beautiful, because I still wonder. I wonder if I really am beautiful enough, not just on the outside, but on the inside, for anyone to love me enough to stay, and I honestly don't know.
I fight with myself over how much I want to be married trying desperately to be content, but no matter how hard I try, I still feel achingly lonely, and I feel like I don't have a reason to feel that way.

but those words I read today spoke to each of those things I struggle with:
- "Not 'safe' and 'nice' women, not merely 'sweet' but passionate and powerful women who were beautiful as warriors."
I don't need to decide which side of me to be. I am all of those things. I can wrestle a 200 pound ram to the ground, and I can be gentle and graceful, and sweet (apparently, cus that's how my friends describe me.) 

- "We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure."
oh my goodness this really just pulled on my heart strings. cus like I said, I go back and forth inside myself over being married, not being married, and whether or not wanting to be married and loved is wrong or not. and whether or not I will ever be valuable enough to someone for them to stay. and this was so reaffirming, because other people feel all those fears too, and they are valid and it's okay.

- "Glorious, powerful, and captivating."
I know so many women who fit this description in their own way and zero women who don't, including myself, even though I still have twinges of doubt. I just listed stuff off to prove it.

So my dear fellow single ladies,
I know that because of loneliness you have:
spent nights cuddled close to your stuffed penguin.
Many nights crying in your pillow
sat alone watching Netflix for hours
ate a whole quart of ice cream by yourself in one sitting while watching Netflix and/or crying
felt so worthless that you wonder if there's a point to living.

I just want to take the time to remind you of what that book reminded me:
you are not alone, you are good at so many things. You are diverse, you are beautiful, you are strong in your own way, and you are gentle in your own way. Take a moment and look at who you are, how are you strong? if you can't come up with an answer ask a friend.
How are you gentle? How are you passionate?
Take a moment to remember that you are all those things, that you are not alone, that you are an irreplaceable, glorious, powerful, and captivating woman of God, and most importantly, you are loved.

~ Michelle B. Rose