Dear Annie,
it has been a while. life got crazy as it usually does, I got busy as I usually do, and I have not read anything in your book in a couple months.
However, I wanted to update you (or really whoever is reading this haha) on some things.
My whole life I have been stuck in a perpetual rut of exhaustion, stress, guilt, abuse, shame, and deep depression. I have found comfort in God and sometimes in others. I have prayed for about 7 years to get out of this rut and I am finally there. God opened a door for me to remove myself from a situation that perpetuated and created those things. My life still has stress in it, but it is not everywhere I go. I have my own place now, and it is a place of peace and delight and freedom. I cannot say how thankful I am to God for answering my prayer from those 7 years.
I finally understand why people have time to read, and make dinner, and eat slowly, and enjoy company because I have the time now too. I am still busy and have things to do, but I don't have things or people to take care of literally 24/7. (I am not even exaggerating.) I feel like I can finally breathe.
I have been out of that situation for a month exactly tomorrow, and so many things are changing inside me. I am learning so much about who I am, and who I want to be, and about Gods peace. I am also learning that my years of struggle to find time to read the Bible and read about God, is coming to an end, and I am so excited for this adventure that I am starting. I am a little scared because there are things that may change that I don't want to change, but I am also confident that God will eventually work all things out for good.
So Annie, and readers, I have a request: pray for me. Pray that I will seek out God and who He is, that I will learn and take hold of who I am in Him and never let go. Pray for my family. Pray that they will cling to God and that the situation they/we are in will be resolved! Pray that wherever I go in my life, in my walk with the Lord that people will see Jesus in me. That they will know that His love exists and it exists in me. Pray that I will never give that up for anyone or anything.
Abba Father, Thank you so much for the time I have spent in crisis and stress. thank you for who I was and how You have changed me through those things. God, I pray for the people reading this letter, that you would make us a community in spirit, that you would use us to spread your good news through sharing our lives and sharing you. Lord, I pray that you would give each person hope that whatever hardship they are going through, whether it takes a day a week, or a decade, you will use it for good. I ask for the people who are in a calm place, that you would show them who you are, that you would ignite a passion for you inside their soul and they would become a megaphone for you in this calm part of their life. That they would not be complacent and sit quietly, but that they would use this time to serve you by serving others. Lord may you be glorified in all we do, and may your life and light shine through our faces and actions!
Lord we ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood! Amen.
Monday, April 9, 2018
Monday, January 15, 2018
Dear Annie: Ugly
Dear Annie,
Once again I relate all too well to this chapter. You shared your story about how ugly chased you through high school and into college and how you still feel the "Maybe if I ..."
I think every girl goes through this, my students, my siblings, even my mentors have gone through this, and it amazes me that even with all these beautiful women struggling with ugly we can't see that we're in the same spot.
My story of being chased by ugly started pretty young too and grew over time. I grew up in a conservative Christian home, and my parents also run a Christian school, so for as long as I can remember everything I wore had to be their definition of appropriate, and I had to "represent" the school. By the time I turned ten I wore long skirts to hide my legs because I was convinced my legs were a sin, and they were ugly and disgusting, I only wore loose shirts because anything even mildly "form-fitting" was considered provocative and inappropriate, not to mention I inherited shoulders that prevent(ed) me from wearing shirts that were/are actually my size. Anyway to get to the point, every time I wore something that made me feel pretty someone would say something like "are you sure you want to wear that?" or "you have to represent the school" or "you can't wear that, if you wear that men will look at you and think sinful things about you." So I was taught that being beautiful was sinful, and moreover feeling beautiful was sinful, and because of my oversize shoulders (thank you Viking heritage) and my very tall height (5'11") by the time I was 12 I felt huge, and ugly compared to my peers, so I would just skip eating for days, and all through high school I weighed 165lbs as an eventually 6' tall woman with thick bone structure who had a lot of muscle weight. Granted I did eat a TON of ice cream when I did eat, but I would consistently not eat because I was convinced I was too big, too tall, too fat. Looking back at pictures now I'm shocked at how drawn my face was and how unhealthily skinny I was.
Finally, when I graduated high school and went to college I had a whole different battle to face, my body started changing, and I actually at 3 meals a day and in my first year of college I went from 165lbs to 200lbs. I now weigh 210 and am still trying to figure out how to deal with all of that. Although I have figured out that firstly, I'm not actually fat. I currently am about 10-15lbs overweight, or (in my opinion more accurately) I have 3" excess belly fat (which is not that much I know) but I still struggle with that idea of being too big, and having a tummy and chest (because apparently not eating keeps that from growing properly and then eating makes it catch up to you) that actually matches the size of my build makes me feel bulky and huge, even though I'm not that far from healthy.
I know that ugly is going to chase me, probably for quite some time, but I hope someday I can stand my ground, and look ugly in the face and say "no. I am too this and that or too little this and that. I am me, and I am free and beautiful in Jesus Christ." Unfortunately, the lies that feed ugly come from people around me and from society, so in order to face ugly, we also have to face people and society.
So Annie, I hope someday that both of us can face ugly and those who feed it, and that we can stand our ground in Jesus Christ, and our freedom in Him, and stand in the goodness and beauty of who God made us to be. Thanks for sharing your story Annie, and thanks for listening to mine, whoever is reading this, and to those who are reading this, what's your ugly story? how does ugly chase you?
God thank you again for Annie and for the book she has shared with the world and with me. I pray over my life, her life and every living woman and man who is fighting against ugly. I pray that you would show us your design for each of us. That you would reveal to each of us the intricacies of what makes us beautiful and unique. That you would help us conquer the lies that have been fed to us so we can stand in your truth and so we can stand in front of a mirror and see your handiwork without uglys shadow lensing our eyes. God I ask that you would reveal to us the beauty of your design in each of our spirits, souls, and bodies.
Lord please bless each of the people who read this and encourage them to stop feeding ugly. Encourage us all to stop feeding ugly so that we can see ourselves through your eyes and take hold of who you say we are.
We ask these things in your name under the covering of your blood.
Amen
Once again I relate all too well to this chapter. You shared your story about how ugly chased you through high school and into college and how you still feel the "Maybe if I ..."
I think every girl goes through this, my students, my siblings, even my mentors have gone through this, and it amazes me that even with all these beautiful women struggling with ugly we can't see that we're in the same spot.
My story of being chased by ugly started pretty young too and grew over time. I grew up in a conservative Christian home, and my parents also run a Christian school, so for as long as I can remember everything I wore had to be their definition of appropriate, and I had to "represent" the school. By the time I turned ten I wore long skirts to hide my legs because I was convinced my legs were a sin, and they were ugly and disgusting, I only wore loose shirts because anything even mildly "form-fitting" was considered provocative and inappropriate, not to mention I inherited shoulders that prevent(ed) me from wearing shirts that were/are actually my size. Anyway to get to the point, every time I wore something that made me feel pretty someone would say something like "are you sure you want to wear that?" or "you have to represent the school" or "you can't wear that, if you wear that men will look at you and think sinful things about you." So I was taught that being beautiful was sinful, and moreover feeling beautiful was sinful, and because of my oversize shoulders (thank you Viking heritage) and my very tall height (5'11") by the time I was 12 I felt huge, and ugly compared to my peers, so I would just skip eating for days, and all through high school I weighed 165lbs as an eventually 6' tall woman with thick bone structure who had a lot of muscle weight. Granted I did eat a TON of ice cream when I did eat, but I would consistently not eat because I was convinced I was too big, too tall, too fat. Looking back at pictures now I'm shocked at how drawn my face was and how unhealthily skinny I was.
Finally, when I graduated high school and went to college I had a whole different battle to face, my body started changing, and I actually at 3 meals a day and in my first year of college I went from 165lbs to 200lbs. I now weigh 210 and am still trying to figure out how to deal with all of that. Although I have figured out that firstly, I'm not actually fat. I currently am about 10-15lbs overweight, or (in my opinion more accurately) I have 3" excess belly fat (which is not that much I know) but I still struggle with that idea of being too big, and having a tummy and chest (because apparently not eating keeps that from growing properly and then eating makes it catch up to you) that actually matches the size of my build makes me feel bulky and huge, even though I'm not that far from healthy.
I know that ugly is going to chase me, probably for quite some time, but I hope someday I can stand my ground, and look ugly in the face and say "no. I am too this and that or too little this and that. I am me, and I am free and beautiful in Jesus Christ." Unfortunately, the lies that feed ugly come from people around me and from society, so in order to face ugly, we also have to face people and society.
So Annie, I hope someday that both of us can face ugly and those who feed it, and that we can stand our ground in Jesus Christ, and our freedom in Him, and stand in the goodness and beauty of who God made us to be. Thanks for sharing your story Annie, and thanks for listening to mine, whoever is reading this, and to those who are reading this, what's your ugly story? how does ugly chase you?
God thank you again for Annie and for the book she has shared with the world and with me. I pray over my life, her life and every living woman and man who is fighting against ugly. I pray that you would show us your design for each of us. That you would reveal to each of us the intricacies of what makes us beautiful and unique. That you would help us conquer the lies that have been fed to us so we can stand in your truth and so we can stand in front of a mirror and see your handiwork without uglys shadow lensing our eyes. God I ask that you would reveal to us the beauty of your design in each of our spirits, souls, and bodies.
Lord please bless each of the people who read this and encourage them to stop feeding ugly. Encourage us all to stop feeding ugly so that we can see ourselves through your eyes and take hold of who you say we are.
We ask these things in your name under the covering of your blood.
Amen
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Dear Annie: In the Absence of Lovely
Dear Annie,
In this chapter of your book "Looking for Lovely" you focused on shame and guilt, and I relate so much!!! I have always struggled with shame and guilt for so many things and from so many sources. Just like you and so many other girls and women out there, the devil started early with me. Building strongholds in my heart that were so impenetrable I was convinced that I am not worthwhile, I am not beautiful, and everything I do will amount to nothing and will be despised by those around me. I was convinced that I was unloveable and that God only loved me because He has to.
Around fall this year I had a little crush on someone and I was so afraid just like you were with Matt. I was so terrified that, on the off chance he would fall for me, he would get to know me and discover my sin, my anger, my depravity, and who I thought I truly was: worthless. I never did find out whether this person liked me, but about a month ago I had a realization: I'm actually a good person.
Yea I sin. I've got some sinful strongholds I'm working through with the Lord. But the desire of my heart is to love God and be more like Him, and to care for the people around me in His name, and if the desire of my heart lines up with who the Bible says I am. Then I. am. NOT. worthless.
So just as soon as I came to this realization, God was like okay, lets put this to the test. He threw a random person into my life who thinks I am basically a magical unicorn gift from God, who does not walk closely with the Lord, and said "does your worth depend on a man/boyfriend/husband or does it depend on me?" And because of that situation I finally figured out who I want to be, I didn't really have hope that I could accomplish it, but I figured out who I want to be, and that I do choose to be defined by God, and not a man/boyfriend/husband (which is a huge thing for me, because I was pining over not being married when I was 14 (LOL)).
I still struggle with looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm beautiful even with a few extra pounds and semi blotchy face, and viking sized shoulders and rib cage. I still struggle with that. But I am doing so much better, and like I talked about in my last letter I am choosing to hope and have faith. Now I know that my shoulders and rib cage and face are going to be the same size, but I am hoping and praying that I can accept that I am beautiful even with those socially unacceptable features, and I know someday I'll get there.
But this last week, of choosing to place my hope in the Lord, even when the answers are long in coming, I have been more at peace, more hopeful, more joyful, and the least self-hating than I have ever been in my life.
I am super excited to read what you have in store next in your book looking for lovely, and I will continue to put my hope and faith Jesus Christ, and I will add telling Satan "not today!" to my morning list!
Thank you so much for your words Annie!
Lord Jesus,
thank you for who you are, and who you always will be. thank you for my friend Annie. Thank you for the work you're doing in both of our lives. Thank you that you are changing who I am to reflect who I want to be: more like you, every single day. Thank you that you have taken my fears and nailed them to the cross along with my sins. Thank you that Satan does not have any power over me unless I give it to him. Thank you that you are sovereign. God I ask that you would light my path as I go onto this new life journey spiritually, emotionally, and physically as I prepare to move. I ask that you would pour out your wisdom and strength on me and give me courage to be your megaphone. I pray for Annie that you would touch her heart right now, that she would feel your presence wash over her. That she would feel confident in you.
God thank you so much for all you are doing in our lives! Bless this week and all we come into contact with! In your name, under the covering of your blood, Amen.
In this chapter of your book "Looking for Lovely" you focused on shame and guilt, and I relate so much!!! I have always struggled with shame and guilt for so many things and from so many sources. Just like you and so many other girls and women out there, the devil started early with me. Building strongholds in my heart that were so impenetrable I was convinced that I am not worthwhile, I am not beautiful, and everything I do will amount to nothing and will be despised by those around me. I was convinced that I was unloveable and that God only loved me because He has to.
Around fall this year I had a little crush on someone and I was so afraid just like you were with Matt. I was so terrified that, on the off chance he would fall for me, he would get to know me and discover my sin, my anger, my depravity, and who I thought I truly was: worthless. I never did find out whether this person liked me, but about a month ago I had a realization: I'm actually a good person.
Yea I sin. I've got some sinful strongholds I'm working through with the Lord. But the desire of my heart is to love God and be more like Him, and to care for the people around me in His name, and if the desire of my heart lines up with who the Bible says I am. Then I. am. NOT. worthless.
So just as soon as I came to this realization, God was like okay, lets put this to the test. He threw a random person into my life who thinks I am basically a magical unicorn gift from God, who does not walk closely with the Lord, and said "does your worth depend on a man/boyfriend/husband or does it depend on me?" And because of that situation I finally figured out who I want to be, I didn't really have hope that I could accomplish it, but I figured out who I want to be, and that I do choose to be defined by God, and not a man/boyfriend/husband (which is a huge thing for me, because I was pining over not being married when I was 14 (LOL)).
I still struggle with looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm beautiful even with a few extra pounds and semi blotchy face, and viking sized shoulders and rib cage. I still struggle with that. But I am doing so much better, and like I talked about in my last letter I am choosing to hope and have faith. Now I know that my shoulders and rib cage and face are going to be the same size, but I am hoping and praying that I can accept that I am beautiful even with those socially unacceptable features, and I know someday I'll get there.
But this last week, of choosing to place my hope in the Lord, even when the answers are long in coming, I have been more at peace, more hopeful, more joyful, and the least self-hating than I have ever been in my life.
I am super excited to read what you have in store next in your book looking for lovely, and I will continue to put my hope and faith Jesus Christ, and I will add telling Satan "not today!" to my morning list!
Thank you so much for your words Annie!
Lord Jesus,
thank you for who you are, and who you always will be. thank you for my friend Annie. Thank you for the work you're doing in both of our lives. Thank you that you are changing who I am to reflect who I want to be: more like you, every single day. Thank you that you have taken my fears and nailed them to the cross along with my sins. Thank you that Satan does not have any power over me unless I give it to him. Thank you that you are sovereign. God I ask that you would light my path as I go onto this new life journey spiritually, emotionally, and physically as I prepare to move. I ask that you would pour out your wisdom and strength on me and give me courage to be your megaphone. I pray for Annie that you would touch her heart right now, that she would feel your presence wash over her. That she would feel confident in you.
God thank you so much for all you are doing in our lives! Bless this week and all we come into contact with! In your name, under the covering of your blood, Amen.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Dear Annie: Looking For Lovely - Introduction
Dear Annie,
I don't know if you or anyone else will ever read this, and that is okay. I'm writing this, and the letters to come to hold me accountable for reading your book, and for seeking what I need to learn and how I need to grow.
So starting today I'm going to write you a letter on this blog about my thoughts on your book "Looking For Lovely". Don't worry, I'm not a critic, and I'm not a great writer and I'm not disagreeing with you. This is just how I process, I talk to people.
You talked about perseverance, hope, grace, and seeing the good in our lives. And the only thing I'm kinda good at is perseverance. My parents taught me to finish what I started and I do with the big things in my life, so now I'm also learning to when it's okay to say no and to stop so I dont burn out. (although I must admit, I am the. worst. at finding time to finish a book (hence the letters)). So I'm good at just keeping on. But I struggle daily with finding hope, and grace, and joy in my life. You said that lots of people will write you letters and say they will "do the thing", but they will give up after a few months. Well, I promise I will finish reading your book and I will write these letters. It may be once a week, or once a day. But I won't quit.
I know that your book is not a guide to better living, and it's not a step by step on how to fix my relationship with God. But you started writing as if you were talking to me, and that makes a huge difference. So I'm gonna try to talk to you back.
I want to be the kind of person that finishes what I start, that is full of hope that overflows to the people around me. I want to be a person that loves the Lord so much that it shines on my face. That His love pours over onto the people around me, that who I am lifts them up because who I am comes from God.
I know that I am not anywhere near being that person. I get caught up in my own misery. I will keep going but I stop looking for God in the events of my life. I stop hoping for the best and dreaming of the good things that may fill my life. On page 7 when you talk about hope you say that "I thought hope was a word we hung up in our houses and tattoed on our wrists and willed ourselves to have. I used to think that hope was a gift from God in its singular form-like love, peace, patience, any of the fruits of the Spirit. But hope isn't a fruit of having a Spirit-filled life. . . . hope is a commodity, not easily won, always fought for, and the result of a process that may take some time." And you're right. I quite having hope a while ago. I quit hoping that my relationship with God will ever get better, that I will learn to be a better person and teacher, I quite hoping that I'll ever get married and have children. Now I just say that "I know I probably will" to pacify my wonderful friends who try so hard to remind me that my life isn't hopeless. And they are right, and you are right.
"Hope is a commodity, not so easily won, always fought for, and the result of a process."
So Annie, today I start with you on my journey, my fight, to find hope.
Lord Jesus, I ask that you will restore my faith that you have not abandoned me. I ask that you help me find, and seek for you. Teach me to not be afraid to hope, to love, and to let go. Teach me to have patience and to passionately seek for you and your word. Lord I ask that this journey I'm starting today with my friend Annie would be a fruitful one, that I would be willing to be vulnerable and open. That I would be willing to hurt and cry, that I would be willing to find joy and rejoice in it, and hope that it won't end. Lord I ask that you would remove the skepticism from my spirit and replace it with trust, faith, and hope in you. I pray for Annie that you would guide her in her life, that she would continue to let you use her as a megaphone for you, to women around the world like me. I ask that you would speak to her heart in this moment that she would find immense rest and joy in you and that you would give us both the courage to take another step closer to you God. Lord I also ask that if anyone does read this, that what I say would be an encouragement to them that they are not alone in the battle against depression and hopelessness. I ask that you would raise up a people who love you and know you and put hope and trust and faith you. A people that will change the world, one person at a time.
God I ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood
Amen.
I don't know if you or anyone else will ever read this, and that is okay. I'm writing this, and the letters to come to hold me accountable for reading your book, and for seeking what I need to learn and how I need to grow.
So starting today I'm going to write you a letter on this blog about my thoughts on your book "Looking For Lovely". Don't worry, I'm not a critic, and I'm not a great writer and I'm not disagreeing with you. This is just how I process, I talk to people.
You talked about perseverance, hope, grace, and seeing the good in our lives. And the only thing I'm kinda good at is perseverance. My parents taught me to finish what I started and I do with the big things in my life, so now I'm also learning to when it's okay to say no and to stop so I dont burn out. (although I must admit, I am the. worst. at finding time to finish a book (hence the letters)). So I'm good at just keeping on. But I struggle daily with finding hope, and grace, and joy in my life. You said that lots of people will write you letters and say they will "do the thing", but they will give up after a few months. Well, I promise I will finish reading your book and I will write these letters. It may be once a week, or once a day. But I won't quit.
I know that your book is not a guide to better living, and it's not a step by step on how to fix my relationship with God. But you started writing as if you were talking to me, and that makes a huge difference. So I'm gonna try to talk to you back.
I want to be the kind of person that finishes what I start, that is full of hope that overflows to the people around me. I want to be a person that loves the Lord so much that it shines on my face. That His love pours over onto the people around me, that who I am lifts them up because who I am comes from God.
I know that I am not anywhere near being that person. I get caught up in my own misery. I will keep going but I stop looking for God in the events of my life. I stop hoping for the best and dreaming of the good things that may fill my life. On page 7 when you talk about hope you say that "I thought hope was a word we hung up in our houses and tattoed on our wrists and willed ourselves to have. I used to think that hope was a gift from God in its singular form-like love, peace, patience, any of the fruits of the Spirit. But hope isn't a fruit of having a Spirit-filled life. . . . hope is a commodity, not easily won, always fought for, and the result of a process that may take some time." And you're right. I quite having hope a while ago. I quit hoping that my relationship with God will ever get better, that I will learn to be a better person and teacher, I quite hoping that I'll ever get married and have children. Now I just say that "I know I probably will" to pacify my wonderful friends who try so hard to remind me that my life isn't hopeless. And they are right, and you are right.
"Hope is a commodity, not so easily won, always fought for, and the result of a process."
So Annie, today I start with you on my journey, my fight, to find hope.
Lord Jesus, I ask that you will restore my faith that you have not abandoned me. I ask that you help me find, and seek for you. Teach me to not be afraid to hope, to love, and to let go. Teach me to have patience and to passionately seek for you and your word. Lord I ask that this journey I'm starting today with my friend Annie would be a fruitful one, that I would be willing to be vulnerable and open. That I would be willing to hurt and cry, that I would be willing to find joy and rejoice in it, and hope that it won't end. Lord I ask that you would remove the skepticism from my spirit and replace it with trust, faith, and hope in you. I pray for Annie that you would guide her in her life, that she would continue to let you use her as a megaphone for you, to women around the world like me. I ask that you would speak to her heart in this moment that she would find immense rest and joy in you and that you would give us both the courage to take another step closer to you God. Lord I also ask that if anyone does read this, that what I say would be an encouragement to them that they are not alone in the battle against depression and hopelessness. I ask that you would raise up a people who love you and know you and put hope and trust and faith you. A people that will change the world, one person at a time.
God I ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood
Amen.
Monday, October 16, 2017
Quitting is not the Answer
Have you ever just wanted to give up hope? To quit. become a crazy cat lady who lives off in the middle of nowhere so no one can judge you. To not have any responsibilities except to feed your cats and cry. or to just plain quit everything.
I have reached that point.
I want to quit college. I want to quit teaching. I want to quit caring what everyone thinks. to quit giving my all and getting nothing back. To quit loving unconditionally and still being alone. to quit wishing that somebody would find me worth their time that they would look past the surface and see who I am and find me worth it. to quit this endless cycle of motions: get up, go to school, teach, be exhausted and repeat. to quit seeking for whatever purpose my life might have a not finding it. just to quit life.
I've reached this point in my life for I don't know the how many-ith time. It seems this feeling returns relentlessly and I'd be lying to say I haven't tried to quit life altogether before. And I have to say, that experience is one of the reasons why I can't quit. why you shouldn't quit.
Here I am again with the desire to quit screaming inside of me.
I feel like there is a never-ending tunnel. pressing in on me. getting longer, smaller, and darker with every step. And it feels like the only way to make it stop would be to quit.
But no. quitting is not the answer.
Two years ago I did a research paper on suicide and PTSD, and the studies showed that the reason people quit, was to make it stop. But the survivors will tell you, it didn't work. We are coming up on the time of year where suicide rates skyrocket. There's pressure from every direction to be. perfect.
But quitting is NOT the answer.
There are people who love you. Think of the most important person in your life. They would be devastated. talk to them: quitting is not the answer.
quitting doesn't make it better. Trust me. I know. Trying to quit. . . it's pointless.
I know that you want it all to stop. I do too. I know that if you take a day, your boss is going to kill you. But you can't make a difference when your depressed and you certainly can't when you're dead.
Also for those of you out there who feel like your life has no point! I understand. I get it. 100%
But. I PROMISE you. That you HAVE made a difference in someone's life.
Think about your siblings. Your nieces and nephews, your grandkids. If you have students, think about them. your parents. That person on the street who you gave your lunch to, that person behind you in line whos lunch you paid for. That person you shared your testimony with. your children! your friends. your co-workers. That stressed mom in the store who you smiled at assuringly to let her know that it's okay. you don't need to have everything perfect. the list goes on and on. YOU. MAKE a DIFFERENCE. EVERY. DAY.
Quitting. is NOT the answer.
I know things are stressful and super crazy. and I know that in order to make a living you have to be addicted to coffee and without sleep. But I promise you that if you don't give in and you tell someone. it WILL get better.
I know that telling someone is scary. and I'm certain that after I post this there will be some friends who shun me because I'm not perfect, but I also know that there will be friends who will ask me if I'm okay. The same goes for you. There may be people who shun you. But you don't need poisonous people in your life. Let them go and hold on to the people who will gather around you and walk through this tunnel hand in hand.
My friend. Quitting is not the answer.
This will pass. I promise. and the tunnel gets shorter as your chain of people grows.
So stop trying to walk the tunnel by yourself. Grab a hand and keep walking.
So. Even though you feel like quitting. I hope that you will discover that your life. DOES matter. and that will never change.
I hope that you find peace in God and in His solace. and I hope that you find strength in numbers.
But most of all, I hope you finish this race and finish it strong, that you don't give up, but keep pressing on.
Take it from someone who knows: quitting is not the answer.
I have reached that point.
I want to quit college. I want to quit teaching. I want to quit caring what everyone thinks. to quit giving my all and getting nothing back. To quit loving unconditionally and still being alone. to quit wishing that somebody would find me worth their time that they would look past the surface and see who I am and find me worth it. to quit this endless cycle of motions: get up, go to school, teach, be exhausted and repeat. to quit seeking for whatever purpose my life might have a not finding it. just to quit life.
I've reached this point in my life for I don't know the how many-ith time. It seems this feeling returns relentlessly and I'd be lying to say I haven't tried to quit life altogether before. And I have to say, that experience is one of the reasons why I can't quit. why you shouldn't quit.
Here I am again with the desire to quit screaming inside of me.
I feel like there is a never-ending tunnel. pressing in on me. getting longer, smaller, and darker with every step. And it feels like the only way to make it stop would be to quit.
But no. quitting is not the answer.
Two years ago I did a research paper on suicide and PTSD, and the studies showed that the reason people quit, was to make it stop. But the survivors will tell you, it didn't work. We are coming up on the time of year where suicide rates skyrocket. There's pressure from every direction to be. perfect.
But quitting is NOT the answer.
There are people who love you. Think of the most important person in your life. They would be devastated. talk to them: quitting is not the answer.
quitting doesn't make it better. Trust me. I know. Trying to quit. . . it's pointless.
I know that you want it all to stop. I do too. I know that if you take a day, your boss is going to kill you. But you can't make a difference when your depressed and you certainly can't when you're dead.
Also for those of you out there who feel like your life has no point! I understand. I get it. 100%
But. I PROMISE you. That you HAVE made a difference in someone's life.
Think about your siblings. Your nieces and nephews, your grandkids. If you have students, think about them. your parents. That person on the street who you gave your lunch to, that person behind you in line whos lunch you paid for. That person you shared your testimony with. your children! your friends. your co-workers. That stressed mom in the store who you smiled at assuringly to let her know that it's okay. you don't need to have everything perfect. the list goes on and on. YOU. MAKE a DIFFERENCE. EVERY. DAY.
Quitting. is NOT the answer.
I know things are stressful and super crazy. and I know that in order to make a living you have to be addicted to coffee and without sleep. But I promise you that if you don't give in and you tell someone. it WILL get better.
I know that telling someone is scary. and I'm certain that after I post this there will be some friends who shun me because I'm not perfect, but I also know that there will be friends who will ask me if I'm okay. The same goes for you. There may be people who shun you. But you don't need poisonous people in your life. Let them go and hold on to the people who will gather around you and walk through this tunnel hand in hand.
My friend. Quitting is not the answer.
This will pass. I promise. and the tunnel gets shorter as your chain of people grows.
So stop trying to walk the tunnel by yourself. Grab a hand and keep walking.
So. Even though you feel like quitting. I hope that you will discover that your life. DOES matter. and that will never change.
I hope that you find peace in God and in His solace. and I hope that you find strength in numbers.
But most of all, I hope you finish this race and finish it strong, that you don't give up, but keep pressing on.
Take it from someone who knows: quitting is not the answer.
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Love Languages . . . How?
So my love language is touch, and then time. Everything else is extremely low on the list. I've known this for forEVER. But I've never been able to figure out how to deal with it in our society.
I mean really. If you hold hands with someone our society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
If you hug someone for more than 1 second, society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
Basically if you touch somebody, society assumes: "OOOOOOOOOOH they're flirting!"
Now this isn't *quite* as bad in the non-christian culture I personally have experienced. But it is a *huge* problem for those of us who speak love with touch in the christian community.
Everyone has this idea that if you are touching, you are in, or you want a dating relationship with that person.
So we have a bunch of people who's love language is touch and we aren't allowed to hug people, touch their shoulder with a reassuring pat, be excited to see people and greet them with a hug, hold their hand, basically we aren't allowed to speak our love language.
I know for several people there is a line that makes them super uncomfortable if you cross that line. Sometimes it's a hug sometimes it's a handshake, sometimes it repeatedly poking someone. So as a touch person, I try to respect those lines.
But I literally. Don't. Know. How sometimes.
How do I show you that I love you, even if it's just as a friend, and how do I know you love me as a friend.
I try super hard to utilize the other love languages to try to communicate that you are important to me. But sometimes my heart just feels like screaming out of frustration because I can't speak my love language.
It's especially difficult when I'm around people I haven't seen forever because I want to hug you and not let go! I am SO beyond excited to see you that I just can't hold it in. and sometimes that comes out as incessantly (gently) slugging you in the arm. patting your head, poking you. and it's not because I'm trying to flirt at all, it's just because I love you. and you're FINALLY back in my life, and I'm SUPER excited.
But people have told me that doing those things is not okay, and it's crossing a line, and yea I can see that. But what am I supposed to do?
Nobody has ever given me an alternative other than just "do nothing", and that just kills me. I love each and everyone of my friends deeply, and for me, telling me to do nothing feels the same as saying I can't I love them. Goodness if you even say "I love you" in society, and especially the christian culture, then everyone in your life assumes you've got a "thing" for each other.
So I guess this post is about two things: 1 venting. and 2. asking you a question.
So my question for those of you who are not touch people:
What are some ways that I can tell/show you I love you without
- acting like an idiot
- making you uncomfortable
I honestly don't know and I've been looking for the answer for years and I've still come up with nothing. So I need your help. How do I be myself, and show that I love you as a friend in a way that you're okay with?
I mean really. If you hold hands with someone our society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
If you hug someone for more than 1 second, society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
Basically if you touch somebody, society assumes: "OOOOOOOOOOH they're flirting!"
Now this isn't *quite* as bad in the non-christian culture I personally have experienced. But it is a *huge* problem for those of us who speak love with touch in the christian community.
Everyone has this idea that if you are touching, you are in, or you want a dating relationship with that person.
So we have a bunch of people who's love language is touch and we aren't allowed to hug people, touch their shoulder with a reassuring pat, be excited to see people and greet them with a hug, hold their hand, basically we aren't allowed to speak our love language.
I know for several people there is a line that makes them super uncomfortable if you cross that line. Sometimes it's a hug sometimes it's a handshake, sometimes it repeatedly poking someone. So as a touch person, I try to respect those lines.
But I literally. Don't. Know. How sometimes.
How do I show you that I love you, even if it's just as a friend, and how do I know you love me as a friend.
I try super hard to utilize the other love languages to try to communicate that you are important to me. But sometimes my heart just feels like screaming out of frustration because I can't speak my love language.
It's especially difficult when I'm around people I haven't seen forever because I want to hug you and not let go! I am SO beyond excited to see you that I just can't hold it in. and sometimes that comes out as incessantly (gently) slugging you in the arm. patting your head, poking you. and it's not because I'm trying to flirt at all, it's just because I love you. and you're FINALLY back in my life, and I'm SUPER excited.
But people have told me that doing those things is not okay, and it's crossing a line, and yea I can see that. But what am I supposed to do?
Nobody has ever given me an alternative other than just "do nothing", and that just kills me. I love each and everyone of my friends deeply, and for me, telling me to do nothing feels the same as saying I can't I love them. Goodness if you even say "I love you" in society, and especially the christian culture, then everyone in your life assumes you've got a "thing" for each other.
So I guess this post is about two things: 1 venting. and 2. asking you a question.
So my question for those of you who are not touch people:
What are some ways that I can tell/show you I love you without
- acting like an idiot
- making you uncomfortable
I honestly don't know and I've been looking for the answer for years and I've still come up with nothing. So I need your help. How do I be myself, and show that I love you as a friend in a way that you're okay with?
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Priorities and Boundaries
Everyone has expectations for you.
Most parents expect you to sacrificially give of your time to take care of their stuff, just as they did when you were little. They expect you to agree with them, and be available. To be a good example to everyone.
Some teachers expect you to put school first. To de-prioritize the rest of your life. To live, eat, and breath school.
Friends expect you to be yourself as long as your not upset, stressed or angry. (unless you have an *awesome* friend (which I do).
Peers expect you to fit into their social clique, and if you don't, to stay away from their social clique.
Society expects the genders to fit into a specific role, and we *all* know those stereotypes, and we all know how inconsistent they are with *real people*. (aka everyone) They do fit a hand-full of people but certainly not enough to say all women are or should be: "_________ ", or all men are or should be: "_________"
Everyone has certain expectations.
But. You and I should never let the expectations of others affect who we are and how we act. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying any of this so you or I can have an excuse to be a total jerk.
I am saying this because I think it's important to recognize that yes! Other people have expectations of me, but it's okay for me and for you to say no.
If you love singing, SING! If you need to prioritize family instead of school, DO IT! If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted that you're living off of coffee, SLEEP! If you need to take a mental health day because you need the world to calm down so your head can stop spinning, TAKE A DAY! If you enjoy playing chess, but that's not cool with your peer group, PLAY CHESS and FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
You should never EVER let the expectations of others keep you from being okay, or from being yourself.
A college professor recently told my class that health, and family, and life circumstances has no correlation to my classes or to music (I'm majoring in music) and that I should always be there, on time, and have practiced.
WRONG.
For you in your life, that may be fine, and for him in his life, it obviously is fine.
But I prioritized school over family and friends literally my entire life, and all through high school I struggled with deep depression to the point of attempting to end my life. All because I put no effort into human contact, fun, rest, joy, really anything that had to do with actual friends. I did have a few friends throughout high school and they were awesome. and for quite some time they put up with my literal insanity. But I never prioritized them, and the depression from just living and breathing school almost killed me.
So if you need to deal with life instead of school for a day: DO IT. Obviously don't be lazy and just skip school. Be dedicated to what you put into your life and put effort into the things you have in life. school is important ya'll. But if your life is so focused on school that you're depressed. Something. HAS. to change.
For college kids like me who live with your parents. It's okay to say you have homework or you can't help today. You are an adult, and you need to take responsibility for the things in your life and sometimes you can't be there for dinner, or you can't clear the table. It's okay to say no. Now here's another caviot: you make dishes too, and you make messes too. Don't make your parents clean up your messes. Clean up after yourself. That is part of your responsibility. If you can't do it right that second, do it later. But you do not need to say yes to everything, be helpful and don't make your parents clean up your messes. But if you have to do something else, SAY NO.
We are all adults young, in the middle or old. We all have responsibilities to our health, our mental state, our schedule, our family, our friends, work, and REST. Let's stop letting unrealistic expectations damage our relationships, our health and our mental ability to cope. Say no. Prioritize what *you* need to prioritize, reevaluate when you need to, and don't let other people tell you you're not good enough if : "__________"
You are you. You have specific needs, specific responsibilities, specific schedules. What other people say is not going to change any of those things. They don't and can't have that control over you. They can't tell you what you can/cannot feel or how you're doing, and nothing they say can actually change your reality. only you can.
So make your priorities, a priority.
Take care of the things in your life.
Follow through on your responsibilities.
and for goodness sake: take some breaks.
Your life is your responsibility, and not anyone elses.
So before I keep beating the same bush again: You do you, say no, set boundaries. Be. Free. And remember, you can't change them, that is between them and God. And they can't change, that too is between you, and God.
Lord I pray that you would give us the grace and courage to be ourselves. to seek you first. to say no when we need to and take up our responsibilities and care for them. Lord help us to be passionate about you about what's in our lives, and about the people in our lives. We ask that you would give us your wisdom and grace so that we can grow into a people after your heart. A people who lifts each other up, and doesn't tear each other down. A people who lives life to the fullest without changing who we are for fickle people. Lord help us to be the best we can be in your eyes, and to live out a life that is pleasing to you. We ask these things in your name. Amen.
Most parents expect you to sacrificially give of your time to take care of their stuff, just as they did when you were little. They expect you to agree with them, and be available. To be a good example to everyone.
Some teachers expect you to put school first. To de-prioritize the rest of your life. To live, eat, and breath school.
Friends expect you to be yourself as long as your not upset, stressed or angry. (unless you have an *awesome* friend (which I do).
Peers expect you to fit into their social clique, and if you don't, to stay away from their social clique.
Society expects the genders to fit into a specific role, and we *all* know those stereotypes, and we all know how inconsistent they are with *real people*. (aka everyone) They do fit a hand-full of people but certainly not enough to say all women are or should be: "_________ ", or all men are or should be: "_________"
Everyone has certain expectations.
But. You and I should never let the expectations of others affect who we are and how we act. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying any of this so you or I can have an excuse to be a total jerk.
I am saying this because I think it's important to recognize that yes! Other people have expectations of me, but it's okay for me and for you to say no.
If you love singing, SING! If you need to prioritize family instead of school, DO IT! If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted that you're living off of coffee, SLEEP! If you need to take a mental health day because you need the world to calm down so your head can stop spinning, TAKE A DAY! If you enjoy playing chess, but that's not cool with your peer group, PLAY CHESS and FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
You should never EVER let the expectations of others keep you from being okay, or from being yourself.
A college professor recently told my class that health, and family, and life circumstances has no correlation to my classes or to music (I'm majoring in music) and that I should always be there, on time, and have practiced.
WRONG.
For you in your life, that may be fine, and for him in his life, it obviously is fine.
But I prioritized school over family and friends literally my entire life, and all through high school I struggled with deep depression to the point of attempting to end my life. All because I put no effort into human contact, fun, rest, joy, really anything that had to do with actual friends. I did have a few friends throughout high school and they were awesome. and for quite some time they put up with my literal insanity. But I never prioritized them, and the depression from just living and breathing school almost killed me.
So if you need to deal with life instead of school for a day: DO IT. Obviously don't be lazy and just skip school. Be dedicated to what you put into your life and put effort into the things you have in life. school is important ya'll. But if your life is so focused on school that you're depressed. Something. HAS. to change.
For college kids like me who live with your parents. It's okay to say you have homework or you can't help today. You are an adult, and you need to take responsibility for the things in your life and sometimes you can't be there for dinner, or you can't clear the table. It's okay to say no. Now here's another caviot: you make dishes too, and you make messes too. Don't make your parents clean up your messes. Clean up after yourself. That is part of your responsibility. If you can't do it right that second, do it later. But you do not need to say yes to everything, be helpful and don't make your parents clean up your messes. But if you have to do something else, SAY NO.
We are all adults young, in the middle or old. We all have responsibilities to our health, our mental state, our schedule, our family, our friends, work, and REST. Let's stop letting unrealistic expectations damage our relationships, our health and our mental ability to cope. Say no. Prioritize what *you* need to prioritize, reevaluate when you need to, and don't let other people tell you you're not good enough if : "__________"
You are you. You have specific needs, specific responsibilities, specific schedules. What other people say is not going to change any of those things. They don't and can't have that control over you. They can't tell you what you can/cannot feel or how you're doing, and nothing they say can actually change your reality. only you can.
So make your priorities, a priority.
Take care of the things in your life.
Follow through on your responsibilities.
and for goodness sake: take some breaks.
Your life is your responsibility, and not anyone elses.
So before I keep beating the same bush again: You do you, say no, set boundaries. Be. Free. And remember, you can't change them, that is between them and God. And they can't change, that too is between you, and God.
Lord I pray that you would give us the grace and courage to be ourselves. to seek you first. to say no when we need to and take up our responsibilities and care for them. Lord help us to be passionate about you about what's in our lives, and about the people in our lives. We ask that you would give us your wisdom and grace so that we can grow into a people after your heart. A people who lifts each other up, and doesn't tear each other down. A people who lives life to the fullest without changing who we are for fickle people. Lord help us to be the best we can be in your eyes, and to live out a life that is pleasing to you. We ask these things in your name. Amen.
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