The Battle Feild In Me

Over the past year I've struggled spiritually, and as this year has progressed, I've heard the phrase "it's a low! it will pass." countless times! Unfortunately things have just gotten worse, and worse. and. worse. A month ago, I reached a new low. And over the past year. I've been pretty darn low at times. And I've managed to go lower than the last time.
Over the past month, many things have happened, and I've been struggling with myself, and  battling my mind, and my emotions, and what I want to believe, but don't think could apply to me. And I've discovered that I suck. at many, many things. And I fall-short, in many, many ways. And I fail. over and over. and over. and over. and over. again. I know, that people know, I fail. Some people make a point of saying so, and others tell me, "nice try, you'll get it next time". And something I've realised is that, for me, the shouts of criticism are louder than the voices of encouragement.

Every day. I wake up, I feel terrible, my body aches from an two year long injury, that affects my entire body. I wake up, and I do not want to move. I wake up, and I feel like the scum of the earth. I wake up. and I feel forsaken. and then, I lay there. unable to move. and I just lay there. and then....I start listening to my alarm. Which is K-Love. (Which just happens to be the only radio station that won't be static on my radio.) Every morning like clockwork my alarm goes off, and they're playing a song, that either touches my heart, makes me cry, or reminds me, that I'm not alone. And that. is the only reason I can move in the morning. Because I'm reminded that I'm not alone. God is with me, and I still have at least a tiny bit of love from a few people out there. which means. God actually loves me! cause if they can love me. the fallen, judgemental people of the world! If they can love me, genuinely love me. Then as sure as the sun comes up in the morning God can love me! (referenced: Unfathomable Love -October section -this blog) So every morning. I have some amount of hope...sort of...
A few weeks ago. I couldn't even think about even trying to believe that God loves me. That was out of the question. Because I felt more forsaken then I ever had in my life. I felt more useless, and more like a failure than I ever had in my life. I. Had. No. Worth. .... to myself. I was worthless to myself. I had no reason to believe that God, or anybody could love me. Because. my entire life, people have gotten to know me and ditched me. and it "happened" (sort of. it made me feel like they were ditching. we just have some fun boundaries....blech.) for I don't know the how-manyeth-time, in October.
But. then. a couple weeks ago, that friend said "hey, you wanna come to youth group with me and my sister?"  so I said sure. And that's when God started to say "hey! I love you! I love you! I love you." That night when I was at youth-group with my friend, I bawled, almost the entire time! I couldn't believe that He loved me, and I had had such a hard time believing that, for so many years, that, when God said that. it was just like a 50 ton hug gets dropped on you! they are SO nice, but they're heavy too!
God was standing there. right next to me. the whole time I was hurting. He was there, my entire life, every time I was hurting, and every time when I wasn't too! He was there while I was hurting that terrible Friday night four years ago! God was sitting there with me when I was on the phone a Sunday night in January, three years ago, God was there, when someone I love, ditched me, in the most painful way they could have at the time. He. was. There. and He has been there, here, with me. with you. whoever is reading this! whoever is not reading this! He's been with you your entire life!  saying to you "I love you! I love you so much I died for you! and I would do it again, in less than a heart beat!" Jesus is right there with you now! whether you're Christian or not! He. is THERE! right now with you! asking for you to come into His arms and pour out your troubles on Him! asking for you to lean on Him, to give your love, and your life to Him. So He can let you know, so He can show you, just. How. Much. He loves you!
two weeks ago now, my sister in law, was talking to me. I was sitting in an office bawling. again. And she was sitting there. trying to let me know that she loved me. And when I eventually told her that I don't feel like I'm worth anything, and that I don't feel like I can be loved. She ended up talking about how much I'm worth. not just to her but to other people. And. I started crying harder. That day I was struggling even more than usual to believe that God does love me. And God was knockin' on my door again saying. "Heloo, I leave you love notes? hmm?"

Over the past two weeks I've been getting better at believing that God really does love me and I'm not just a person He accidentally created without any thought. I've been able to start healing a little bit, and I've been able to press into God more.

Something my older sister said yesterday, was "God is a single-woman's husband".
I struggle with not being loved, and honestly, if I was asked if I wanted a husband or a child, I would have to say yes. I do. I want them. more than I can say. especially a child. But when she said that. I thought of something my friend had said. "stop wishing for something you don't have, and be content with what you do have" And I put the two together and I thought. "wow. my thinking has been a bit off in that aspect. I've been searching for agape love. where I can not find it. I have it right in front of my face! and I've been blind!" and so that was just like a smack in the face. But, when I realised that, I put Jesus in that place in my heart. And you know what. that night was the first night I have rested when I slept in over a month. There was a peace there that I have been searching for since I was nine, maybe eight....I can't remember! But it was there. And I woke up the next morning. And I felt Jesus there. I knew He was there. And I knew I was safe. At least from a few certain things. And that feeling is so amazing! I can't even describe it!

I would like to say thank you to K-love, and all the sponsorers of K-love. you guys got me up in the morning. and you guys kept me from sliding into complete depression.
I would also like to thank the youth pastor at EPIC. (the youth group) for praying for me.




1Kings 19:7
"And the angle of the Lord came back a second time and touched him, and said, 'Arise and eat, because the journey is too great for you.' "

Right now that is me! I'm collapsed in the middle of nowhere! And the journey, has been, and is too great for me. ...alone.

Revelation 21:4
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

This is Gods promise to me! This is something I hang onto! Eventually, I won't have to deal with my emotional pain! I won't have to deal with my physical pain! and I won't feel sad! and I won't want to cry!
I don't know about you, but. I want that!