Have you ever just wanted to give up hope? To quit. become a crazy cat lady who lives off in the middle of nowhere so no one can judge you. To not have any responsibilities except to feed your cats and cry. or to just plain quit everything.
I have reached that point.
I want to quit college. I want to quit teaching. I want to quit caring what everyone thinks. to quit giving my all and getting nothing back. To quit loving unconditionally and still being alone. to quit wishing that somebody would find me worth their time that they would look past the surface and see who I am and find me worth it. to quit this endless cycle of motions: get up, go to school, teach, be exhausted and repeat. to quit seeking for whatever purpose my life might have a not finding it. just to quit life.
I've reached this point in my life for I don't know the how many-ith time. It seems this feeling returns relentlessly and I'd be lying to say I haven't tried to quit life altogether before. And I have to say, that experience is one of the reasons why I can't quit. why you shouldn't quit.
Here I am again with the desire to quit screaming inside of me.
I feel like there is a never-ending tunnel. pressing in on me. getting longer, smaller, and darker with every step. And it feels like the only way to make it stop would be to quit.
But no. quitting is not the answer.
Two years ago I did a research paper on suicide and PTSD, and the studies showed that the reason people quit, was to make it stop. But the survivors will tell you, it didn't work. We are coming up on the time of year where suicide rates skyrocket. There's pressure from every direction to be. perfect.
But quitting is NOT the answer.
There are people who love you. Think of the most important person in your life. They would be devastated. talk to them: quitting is not the answer.
quitting doesn't make it better. Trust me. I know. Trying to quit. . . it's pointless.
I know that you want it all to stop. I do too. I know that if you take a day, your boss is going to kill you. But you can't make a difference when your depressed and you certainly can't when you're dead.
Also for those of you out there who feel like your life has no point! I understand. I get it. 100%
But. I PROMISE you. That you HAVE made a difference in someone's life.
Think about your siblings. Your nieces and nephews, your grandkids. If you have students, think about them. your parents. That person on the street who you gave your lunch to, that person behind you in line whos lunch you paid for. That person you shared your testimony with. your children! your friends. your co-workers. That stressed mom in the store who you smiled at assuringly to let her know that it's okay. you don't need to have everything perfect. the list goes on and on. YOU. MAKE a DIFFERENCE. EVERY. DAY.
Quitting. is NOT the answer.
I know things are stressful and super crazy. and I know that in order to make a living you have to be addicted to coffee and without sleep. But I promise you that if you don't give in and you tell someone. it WILL get better.
I know that telling someone is scary. and I'm certain that after I post this there will be some friends who shun me because I'm not perfect, but I also know that there will be friends who will ask me if I'm okay. The same goes for you. There may be people who shun you. But you don't need poisonous people in your life. Let them go and hold on to the people who will gather around you and walk through this tunnel hand in hand.
My friend. Quitting is not the answer.
This will pass. I promise. and the tunnel gets shorter as your chain of people grows.
So stop trying to walk the tunnel by yourself. Grab a hand and keep walking.
So. Even though you feel like quitting. I hope that you will discover that your life. DOES matter. and that will never change.
I hope that you find peace in God and in His solace. and I hope that you find strength in numbers.
But most of all, I hope you finish this race and finish it strong, that you don't give up, but keep pressing on.
Take it from someone who knows: quitting is not the answer.
Monday, October 16, 2017
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Love Languages . . . How?
So my love language is touch, and then time. Everything else is extremely low on the list. I've known this for forEVER. But I've never been able to figure out how to deal with it in our society.
I mean really. If you hold hands with someone our society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
If you hug someone for more than 1 second, society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
Basically if you touch somebody, society assumes: "OOOOOOOOOOH they're flirting!"
Now this isn't *quite* as bad in the non-christian culture I personally have experienced. But it is a *huge* problem for those of us who speak love with touch in the christian community.
Everyone has this idea that if you are touching, you are in, or you want a dating relationship with that person.
So we have a bunch of people who's love language is touch and we aren't allowed to hug people, touch their shoulder with a reassuring pat, be excited to see people and greet them with a hug, hold their hand, basically we aren't allowed to speak our love language.
I know for several people there is a line that makes them super uncomfortable if you cross that line. Sometimes it's a hug sometimes it's a handshake, sometimes it repeatedly poking someone. So as a touch person, I try to respect those lines.
But I literally. Don't. Know. How sometimes.
How do I show you that I love you, even if it's just as a friend, and how do I know you love me as a friend.
I try super hard to utilize the other love languages to try to communicate that you are important to me. But sometimes my heart just feels like screaming out of frustration because I can't speak my love language.
It's especially difficult when I'm around people I haven't seen forever because I want to hug you and not let go! I am SO beyond excited to see you that I just can't hold it in. and sometimes that comes out as incessantly (gently) slugging you in the arm. patting your head, poking you. and it's not because I'm trying to flirt at all, it's just because I love you. and you're FINALLY back in my life, and I'm SUPER excited.
But people have told me that doing those things is not okay, and it's crossing a line, and yea I can see that. But what am I supposed to do?
Nobody has ever given me an alternative other than just "do nothing", and that just kills me. I love each and everyone of my friends deeply, and for me, telling me to do nothing feels the same as saying I can't I love them. Goodness if you even say "I love you" in society, and especially the christian culture, then everyone in your life assumes you've got a "thing" for each other.
So I guess this post is about two things: 1 venting. and 2. asking you a question.
So my question for those of you who are not touch people:
What are some ways that I can tell/show you I love you without
- acting like an idiot
- making you uncomfortable
I honestly don't know and I've been looking for the answer for years and I've still come up with nothing. So I need your help. How do I be myself, and show that I love you as a friend in a way that you're okay with?
I mean really. If you hold hands with someone our society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
If you hug someone for more than 1 second, society assumes: dating/in an intimate relationship.
Basically if you touch somebody, society assumes: "OOOOOOOOOOH they're flirting!"
Now this isn't *quite* as bad in the non-christian culture I personally have experienced. But it is a *huge* problem for those of us who speak love with touch in the christian community.
Everyone has this idea that if you are touching, you are in, or you want a dating relationship with that person.
So we have a bunch of people who's love language is touch and we aren't allowed to hug people, touch their shoulder with a reassuring pat, be excited to see people and greet them with a hug, hold their hand, basically we aren't allowed to speak our love language.
I know for several people there is a line that makes them super uncomfortable if you cross that line. Sometimes it's a hug sometimes it's a handshake, sometimes it repeatedly poking someone. So as a touch person, I try to respect those lines.
But I literally. Don't. Know. How sometimes.
How do I show you that I love you, even if it's just as a friend, and how do I know you love me as a friend.
I try super hard to utilize the other love languages to try to communicate that you are important to me. But sometimes my heart just feels like screaming out of frustration because I can't speak my love language.
It's especially difficult when I'm around people I haven't seen forever because I want to hug you and not let go! I am SO beyond excited to see you that I just can't hold it in. and sometimes that comes out as incessantly (gently) slugging you in the arm. patting your head, poking you. and it's not because I'm trying to flirt at all, it's just because I love you. and you're FINALLY back in my life, and I'm SUPER excited.
But people have told me that doing those things is not okay, and it's crossing a line, and yea I can see that. But what am I supposed to do?
Nobody has ever given me an alternative other than just "do nothing", and that just kills me. I love each and everyone of my friends deeply, and for me, telling me to do nothing feels the same as saying I can't I love them. Goodness if you even say "I love you" in society, and especially the christian culture, then everyone in your life assumes you've got a "thing" for each other.
So I guess this post is about two things: 1 venting. and 2. asking you a question.
So my question for those of you who are not touch people:
What are some ways that I can tell/show you I love you without
- acting like an idiot
- making you uncomfortable
I honestly don't know and I've been looking for the answer for years and I've still come up with nothing. So I need your help. How do I be myself, and show that I love you as a friend in a way that you're okay with?
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Priorities and Boundaries
Everyone has expectations for you.
Most parents expect you to sacrificially give of your time to take care of their stuff, just as they did when you were little. They expect you to agree with them, and be available. To be a good example to everyone.
Some teachers expect you to put school first. To de-prioritize the rest of your life. To live, eat, and breath school.
Friends expect you to be yourself as long as your not upset, stressed or angry. (unless you have an *awesome* friend (which I do).
Peers expect you to fit into their social clique, and if you don't, to stay away from their social clique.
Society expects the genders to fit into a specific role, and we *all* know those stereotypes, and we all know how inconsistent they are with *real people*. (aka everyone) They do fit a hand-full of people but certainly not enough to say all women are or should be: "_________ ", or all men are or should be: "_________"
Everyone has certain expectations.
But. You and I should never let the expectations of others affect who we are and how we act. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying any of this so you or I can have an excuse to be a total jerk.
I am saying this because I think it's important to recognize that yes! Other people have expectations of me, but it's okay for me and for you to say no.
If you love singing, SING! If you need to prioritize family instead of school, DO IT! If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted that you're living off of coffee, SLEEP! If you need to take a mental health day because you need the world to calm down so your head can stop spinning, TAKE A DAY! If you enjoy playing chess, but that's not cool with your peer group, PLAY CHESS and FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
You should never EVER let the expectations of others keep you from being okay, or from being yourself.
A college professor recently told my class that health, and family, and life circumstances has no correlation to my classes or to music (I'm majoring in music) and that I should always be there, on time, and have practiced.
WRONG.
For you in your life, that may be fine, and for him in his life, it obviously is fine.
But I prioritized school over family and friends literally my entire life, and all through high school I struggled with deep depression to the point of attempting to end my life. All because I put no effort into human contact, fun, rest, joy, really anything that had to do with actual friends. I did have a few friends throughout high school and they were awesome. and for quite some time they put up with my literal insanity. But I never prioritized them, and the depression from just living and breathing school almost killed me.
So if you need to deal with life instead of school for a day: DO IT. Obviously don't be lazy and just skip school. Be dedicated to what you put into your life and put effort into the things you have in life. school is important ya'll. But if your life is so focused on school that you're depressed. Something. HAS. to change.
For college kids like me who live with your parents. It's okay to say you have homework or you can't help today. You are an adult, and you need to take responsibility for the things in your life and sometimes you can't be there for dinner, or you can't clear the table. It's okay to say no. Now here's another caviot: you make dishes too, and you make messes too. Don't make your parents clean up your messes. Clean up after yourself. That is part of your responsibility. If you can't do it right that second, do it later. But you do not need to say yes to everything, be helpful and don't make your parents clean up your messes. But if you have to do something else, SAY NO.
We are all adults young, in the middle or old. We all have responsibilities to our health, our mental state, our schedule, our family, our friends, work, and REST. Let's stop letting unrealistic expectations damage our relationships, our health and our mental ability to cope. Say no. Prioritize what *you* need to prioritize, reevaluate when you need to, and don't let other people tell you you're not good enough if : "__________"
You are you. You have specific needs, specific responsibilities, specific schedules. What other people say is not going to change any of those things. They don't and can't have that control over you. They can't tell you what you can/cannot feel or how you're doing, and nothing they say can actually change your reality. only you can.
So make your priorities, a priority.
Take care of the things in your life.
Follow through on your responsibilities.
and for goodness sake: take some breaks.
Your life is your responsibility, and not anyone elses.
So before I keep beating the same bush again: You do you, say no, set boundaries. Be. Free. And remember, you can't change them, that is between them and God. And they can't change, that too is between you, and God.
Lord I pray that you would give us the grace and courage to be ourselves. to seek you first. to say no when we need to and take up our responsibilities and care for them. Lord help us to be passionate about you about what's in our lives, and about the people in our lives. We ask that you would give us your wisdom and grace so that we can grow into a people after your heart. A people who lifts each other up, and doesn't tear each other down. A people who lives life to the fullest without changing who we are for fickle people. Lord help us to be the best we can be in your eyes, and to live out a life that is pleasing to you. We ask these things in your name. Amen.
Most parents expect you to sacrificially give of your time to take care of their stuff, just as they did when you were little. They expect you to agree with them, and be available. To be a good example to everyone.
Some teachers expect you to put school first. To de-prioritize the rest of your life. To live, eat, and breath school.
Friends expect you to be yourself as long as your not upset, stressed or angry. (unless you have an *awesome* friend (which I do).
Peers expect you to fit into their social clique, and if you don't, to stay away from their social clique.
Society expects the genders to fit into a specific role, and we *all* know those stereotypes, and we all know how inconsistent they are with *real people*. (aka everyone) They do fit a hand-full of people but certainly not enough to say all women are or should be: "_________ ", or all men are or should be: "_________"
Everyone has certain expectations.
But. You and I should never let the expectations of others affect who we are and how we act. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying any of this so you or I can have an excuse to be a total jerk.
I am saying this because I think it's important to recognize that yes! Other people have expectations of me, but it's okay for me and for you to say no.
If you love singing, SING! If you need to prioritize family instead of school, DO IT! If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted that you're living off of coffee, SLEEP! If you need to take a mental health day because you need the world to calm down so your head can stop spinning, TAKE A DAY! If you enjoy playing chess, but that's not cool with your peer group, PLAY CHESS and FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
You should never EVER let the expectations of others keep you from being okay, or from being yourself.
A college professor recently told my class that health, and family, and life circumstances has no correlation to my classes or to music (I'm majoring in music) and that I should always be there, on time, and have practiced.
WRONG.
For you in your life, that may be fine, and for him in his life, it obviously is fine.
But I prioritized school over family and friends literally my entire life, and all through high school I struggled with deep depression to the point of attempting to end my life. All because I put no effort into human contact, fun, rest, joy, really anything that had to do with actual friends. I did have a few friends throughout high school and they were awesome. and for quite some time they put up with my literal insanity. But I never prioritized them, and the depression from just living and breathing school almost killed me.
So if you need to deal with life instead of school for a day: DO IT. Obviously don't be lazy and just skip school. Be dedicated to what you put into your life and put effort into the things you have in life. school is important ya'll. But if your life is so focused on school that you're depressed. Something. HAS. to change.
For college kids like me who live with your parents. It's okay to say you have homework or you can't help today. You are an adult, and you need to take responsibility for the things in your life and sometimes you can't be there for dinner, or you can't clear the table. It's okay to say no. Now here's another caviot: you make dishes too, and you make messes too. Don't make your parents clean up your messes. Clean up after yourself. That is part of your responsibility. If you can't do it right that second, do it later. But you do not need to say yes to everything, be helpful and don't make your parents clean up your messes. But if you have to do something else, SAY NO.
We are all adults young, in the middle or old. We all have responsibilities to our health, our mental state, our schedule, our family, our friends, work, and REST. Let's stop letting unrealistic expectations damage our relationships, our health and our mental ability to cope. Say no. Prioritize what *you* need to prioritize, reevaluate when you need to, and don't let other people tell you you're not good enough if : "__________"
You are you. You have specific needs, specific responsibilities, specific schedules. What other people say is not going to change any of those things. They don't and can't have that control over you. They can't tell you what you can/cannot feel or how you're doing, and nothing they say can actually change your reality. only you can.
So make your priorities, a priority.
Take care of the things in your life.
Follow through on your responsibilities.
and for goodness sake: take some breaks.
Your life is your responsibility, and not anyone elses.
So before I keep beating the same bush again: You do you, say no, set boundaries. Be. Free. And remember, you can't change them, that is between them and God. And they can't change, that too is between you, and God.
Lord I pray that you would give us the grace and courage to be ourselves. to seek you first. to say no when we need to and take up our responsibilities and care for them. Lord help us to be passionate about you about what's in our lives, and about the people in our lives. We ask that you would give us your wisdom and grace so that we can grow into a people after your heart. A people who lifts each other up, and doesn't tear each other down. A people who lives life to the fullest without changing who we are for fickle people. Lord help us to be the best we can be in your eyes, and to live out a life that is pleasing to you. We ask these things in your name. Amen.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Spiritual Snacks
The other night I was talking with my aunt about how I always feel so distant from God no matter how hard, or how much time I put into going to church and talking to Him. I always feel hungry for Jesus. While my aunt and I were talking about this it was nice to recognize that we both feel the same way eve though we both know God is with us, we're always kind of (spiritually) hungry.
Eventually, we ended up talking about how it's so much nicer to just have a little chat with God throughout the day instead of trying to soak up everything we need in just one sitting.
We still need fellowship, and we still need to study God's word, but we feel so much closer to Him when we just, well take a spiritual snack.
Just stop for even just 2min and talk to God, breath, recite a verse He laid on your heart. It's like how we stop and grab that granola bar because lunch seems so far away and we just need that one thing to hold us over so our tummy doesn't make us feel that touch of sickness because we didn't eat breakfast.
Taking that little snack all throughout the day, except with Jesus is SO much more helpful than trying to sit down and have this long meaningful chat with Him.
I know I personally am so exhausted all the time that I fall asleep reading my Bible, and I know some of you out there are looking at me like "oh no you didn't." But. yea. I do. I'm human! I'm exhausted, and based on the amount of coffee corporate America consumes, you probably are too!
I tried for years to discipline myself to journal every night and read a chapter in my bible every night, and I did it. But it didn't bring me closer to God, it made me sick because I wasn't taking care of my body. There was even a year where I got up at 5:30 am and did a bible study, and then a friend would chat with me about it, and I LOVED chatting with my friend about it. That was huge. But it never made me really close to God.
I think the reason for that is this:
I would try to find that one chunk of the day to focus on God so I could get it out of the way and start the day connected to Him. (which btw, is great) BUT. I would be so exhausted/focused from/on hunting that huge chunk out, that I wouldn't stay connected with God through the rest of the day. So yea it would start great, but I wouldn't stay in touch with Him.
Since having this little chat with my aunt I've been making it a point to have a "spiritual snack" several times throughout the day, and I have found it *SO* helpful. No my feeling distant from God has not just disappeared overnight. But I actually felt like smiling today. I have been faking a smile for so long now. and I cannot believe that I can *finally* say that I genuinely smiled with joy in my heart.
So I don't know where you're at with your relationship with God. But I wouldn't be surprised if you felt tired, and distant too. Sadly that's where so many of us are, except we won't admit it. So if you're in that place, I hope you can admit it to yourself, and I highly recommend spiritual snacks. Keeping connected to Jesus, even in little tiny ways, can take your day and your spirit leaps and bounds.
Abba,
We come to you and we ask that you would fill our hearts with your presence. That your joy and wisdom would overflow our souls. Lord we ask that you would touch our hearts and bring us continually closer to you, and continually into your presence. God I ask that you would help us stay close to you througout the day, that we wouldn't forget who you are even for a moment.
Lord give us the faith to trust in you, and to know that you are the same today, yesterday, tomorrow and forever. Lord we also ask that you would lift up everyone who is hurting that you would touch their hurts and fears and their scars Lord, and that you would heal them.
Bring us close to you Lord Jesus.
We ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood.
Amen.
Eventually, we ended up talking about how it's so much nicer to just have a little chat with God throughout the day instead of trying to soak up everything we need in just one sitting.
We still need fellowship, and we still need to study God's word, but we feel so much closer to Him when we just, well take a spiritual snack.
Just stop for even just 2min and talk to God, breath, recite a verse He laid on your heart. It's like how we stop and grab that granola bar because lunch seems so far away and we just need that one thing to hold us over so our tummy doesn't make us feel that touch of sickness because we didn't eat breakfast.
Taking that little snack all throughout the day, except with Jesus is SO much more helpful than trying to sit down and have this long meaningful chat with Him.
I know I personally am so exhausted all the time that I fall asleep reading my Bible, and I know some of you out there are looking at me like "oh no you didn't." But. yea. I do. I'm human! I'm exhausted, and based on the amount of coffee corporate America consumes, you probably are too!
I tried for years to discipline myself to journal every night and read a chapter in my bible every night, and I did it. But it didn't bring me closer to God, it made me sick because I wasn't taking care of my body. There was even a year where I got up at 5:30 am and did a bible study, and then a friend would chat with me about it, and I LOVED chatting with my friend about it. That was huge. But it never made me really close to God.
I think the reason for that is this:
I would try to find that one chunk of the day to focus on God so I could get it out of the way and start the day connected to Him. (which btw, is great) BUT. I would be so exhausted/focused from/on hunting that huge chunk out, that I wouldn't stay connected with God through the rest of the day. So yea it would start great, but I wouldn't stay in touch with Him.
Since having this little chat with my aunt I've been making it a point to have a "spiritual snack" several times throughout the day, and I have found it *SO* helpful. No my feeling distant from God has not just disappeared overnight. But I actually felt like smiling today. I have been faking a smile for so long now. and I cannot believe that I can *finally* say that I genuinely smiled with joy in my heart.
So I don't know where you're at with your relationship with God. But I wouldn't be surprised if you felt tired, and distant too. Sadly that's where so many of us are, except we won't admit it. So if you're in that place, I hope you can admit it to yourself, and I highly recommend spiritual snacks. Keeping connected to Jesus, even in little tiny ways, can take your day and your spirit leaps and bounds.
Abba,
We come to you and we ask that you would fill our hearts with your presence. That your joy and wisdom would overflow our souls. Lord we ask that you would touch our hearts and bring us continually closer to you, and continually into your presence. God I ask that you would help us stay close to you througout the day, that we wouldn't forget who you are even for a moment.
Lord give us the faith to trust in you, and to know that you are the same today, yesterday, tomorrow and forever. Lord we also ask that you would lift up everyone who is hurting that you would touch their hurts and fears and their scars Lord, and that you would heal them.
Bring us close to you Lord Jesus.
We ask these things in your name, under the covering of your blood.
Amen.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Crazy World
Once again things have been whirling around in a never-ending slew of problems and stuff. Things are crazy. School started so I'm teaching now, and then college starts on Monday so I'm getting ready for that. Everything is happening all at once, and my cat licked chemicals so he was rushed to the vet and got medication for a chem burn in his mouth and ran up a beautiful bill: crazy.
It never ends does it?
The particular crazy I want to talk about today, however, is the crazy my medicated cat is exhibiting.
So since he has gotten back from the vet and is on his meds now, he is ballistic. (and just to be clear this is my cat we're gonna talk about)
He has been running around chasing an imaginary mouse under our pink chair literally all day. Last night my mom walked up to him while he was sitting and he wagged his head like at tipsy drunk seeing 5 people. All night last night he raced around my room pawing, "talking", pulling at my door, knocking things off: being crazy.
The medication he is on has altered his perspective, but also made him numb to any pain (or consequences) he might have from trying to rip my door down or knock it down by throwing himself at it.
Watching him race around all crazed about something imaginary, and frantically try to escape my room makes me think of myself.
How often do I find myself in a situation where the occurrences of my life have altered my perspective and made me numb, or just plumb crazy? I think it's more often than I realize.
We all have things that have happened to us that kind of medicate our responses. Those responses may be carefully weighed, but it's still coming from a skewed perspective of reality.
My stress about so many things comes from deep, medicated responses.
But why is my medicated response the fear of past things instead of Gods proven provision?
I personally think that it's because we go slightly crazy.
Just like my cat and his medicated responses we forget what's real, and what's not. We go into this psychotic whirl of busy-ness, chasing things that aren't there, throwing ourselves against doors that won't open. We forget what is real and what is not.
While it may take a while for the "meds" to wear off, my cat will eventually return to normal, and so will we. But we have to take care of ourselves, of our minds. We have to admit that we have "medicated responses", and being to deal with those repercussions, and slowly "wean" ourselves off what feeds the fear into our hearts and minds.
So yea things are going crazy, but you and I don't have to go crazy with it.
It never ends does it?
The particular crazy I want to talk about today, however, is the crazy my medicated cat is exhibiting.
So since he has gotten back from the vet and is on his meds now, he is ballistic. (and just to be clear this is my cat we're gonna talk about)
He has been running around chasing an imaginary mouse under our pink chair literally all day. Last night my mom walked up to him while he was sitting and he wagged his head like at tipsy drunk seeing 5 people. All night last night he raced around my room pawing, "talking", pulling at my door, knocking things off: being crazy.
The medication he is on has altered his perspective, but also made him numb to any pain (or consequences) he might have from trying to rip my door down or knock it down by throwing himself at it.
Watching him race around all crazed about something imaginary, and frantically try to escape my room makes me think of myself.
How often do I find myself in a situation where the occurrences of my life have altered my perspective and made me numb, or just plumb crazy? I think it's more often than I realize.
We all have things that have happened to us that kind of medicate our responses. Those responses may be carefully weighed, but it's still coming from a skewed perspective of reality.
My stress about so many things comes from deep, medicated responses.
But why is my medicated response the fear of past things instead of Gods proven provision?
I personally think that it's because we go slightly crazy.
Just like my cat and his medicated responses we forget what's real, and what's not. We go into this psychotic whirl of busy-ness, chasing things that aren't there, throwing ourselves against doors that won't open. We forget what is real and what is not.
While it may take a while for the "meds" to wear off, my cat will eventually return to normal, and so will we. But we have to take care of ourselves, of our minds. We have to admit that we have "medicated responses", and being to deal with those repercussions, and slowly "wean" ourselves off what feeds the fear into our hearts and minds.
So yea things are going crazy, but you and I don't have to go crazy with it.
Crazy World
Michelle B. Rose
Welcome to my crazy world,
where things spin round and round.
Where left is right and up is down,
and square is curiously round.
Where the high tide shrinks on the banks of the sea,
and from mountains their height does flee,
Where a whisper is a shout
and anger a pout
in my crazy little world it be.
Welcome to my crazy little world,
where the universe spins around me.
Where a day is too short
and the night never starts,
my crazy little world surrounds me.
Where I stand by fear, and not by faith
But yet inside my soul I hear,
a small still voice calling out my name,
"Stand tall by grace and do not fear"
I close my eyes
and just ignore
the swirl of chaos around me.
and then I hear,
loud and clear, that still small voice
inside me.
Finally, as I stand,
in my crazy little world
my universe crashing down,
I stand by myself,
filled with peace, not with doubt,
as the presence of my God surrounds me.
So welcome to my world,
though crazy it may be.
I hope you can find peace,
and my God I hope you see.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Guilty Before Grace
For years now, no matter who is around me I always feel alone. I know God is with me because He has shown Himself to me in the past, and He has rescued me from myself and from my fears. The specifics aren't pertinent to this post though, so I will just say that because of those times I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is with me, and His Holy Spirit lives inside of me.
But I am still lonely. All the time, no matter how hard I try to seek Him, I don't feel His presence more often than I do feel His presence. I know that God puts us through times of testing for a reason, but it feels like my life is one long test: to be alone. No matter how hard I try, people will always fail me, and it will end up just me.
I have really been struggling with this lately and it came to a point yesterday, brought on by several other things. So I talked to my best friend and we were up into the wee hours of the night talking about life, and God. That time was so precious to me, but when I got to church this morning I still felt deserted.
I opened a book I'm reading, it's for Christian women, and I started reading and a word resonated in my soul: "guilt".
All of my life I have felt guilty for one reason or another, and often just felt guilty for being alive, for failing to be perfect, for being sad, for having so many things happen to me all that time that makes me hurt and sad all the time. I feel guilt for not being a positive light for Christ in everyone's life, for not being a perfect example of who He is.
My friend and I had talked about that last night and I really didn't think I felt guilty, and I don't struggle with guilt nearly as much anymore. But when I read that word today God spoke to my heart.
My guilt from the past is still holding onto me. It affects how I act, what I say, and who I am.
I still try to be perfect, because I'm afraid of being guilty.
I don't know how to change that.
But I know that I need to work on clinging to Jesus and trusting Him to be my all. Trusting Him to seek me and find me when I call His name. Trusting Him to never leave me. Seeking Him out first when I'm hurt, afraid, and fail at perfection.
Because what I always do when I fail at perfection, is distance myself from the people who it hurts the most, and one of them is God.
I need to set aside my fear of guilt, my fear of not being enough, my fear of being imperfect and work on realizing, not just in my head but in my entire being, with every essence of my understanding and my soul that God. is enough for me. and I don't have to do anything.
So yea I have problems, and I admit that freely. But when I read that word today, I knew that my fear of being found guilty by Him, is pushing me away from Him.
I have to recognize that and decide daily to come, guilty, before God, and accept His grace.
I still don't know how to do that, because having to be perfect to be loved has been deeply ingrained in me.
But, God is the same today as He was yesterday. He is the same as He was those times that He showed up and I felt His presence and heard His voice. He is the same God that I served when I got hurt when I hit rock bottom. He is the same God that called me to Him. He is the same God that proved He loves me. He is the same God that endured beatings, thorns, nails in His hands, and ultimately death so that I wouldn't have to. He is the same God that conquered death so I could live with Him. He is the same God that declares I am His child. He is the same God that brought His children out of the desert into the promise land. He is the same God that fulfilled all of His promises. He is the same God that walked with Adam and Eve. He is the same God that breathed the galaxies into existence. He is the same God that created light in the darkness. He is the same God then, now, and for eternity, and that God calls me and you by name, and walks with us each day, and that is undeniable.
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Acts 4:12
"Salvation is found in no one else. For there is no other name under heaven, given to men, by which we must be saved."
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
Isaiah 44:22
"I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
But I am still lonely. All the time, no matter how hard I try to seek Him, I don't feel His presence more often than I do feel His presence. I know that God puts us through times of testing for a reason, but it feels like my life is one long test: to be alone. No matter how hard I try, people will always fail me, and it will end up just me.
I have really been struggling with this lately and it came to a point yesterday, brought on by several other things. So I talked to my best friend and we were up into the wee hours of the night talking about life, and God. That time was so precious to me, but when I got to church this morning I still felt deserted.
I opened a book I'm reading, it's for Christian women, and I started reading and a word resonated in my soul: "guilt".
All of my life I have felt guilty for one reason or another, and often just felt guilty for being alive, for failing to be perfect, for being sad, for having so many things happen to me all that time that makes me hurt and sad all the time. I feel guilt for not being a positive light for Christ in everyone's life, for not being a perfect example of who He is.
My friend and I had talked about that last night and I really didn't think I felt guilty, and I don't struggle with guilt nearly as much anymore. But when I read that word today God spoke to my heart.
My guilt from the past is still holding onto me. It affects how I act, what I say, and who I am.
I still try to be perfect, because I'm afraid of being guilty.
I don't know how to change that.
But I know that I need to work on clinging to Jesus and trusting Him to be my all. Trusting Him to seek me and find me when I call His name. Trusting Him to never leave me. Seeking Him out first when I'm hurt, afraid, and fail at perfection.
Because what I always do when I fail at perfection, is distance myself from the people who it hurts the most, and one of them is God.
I need to set aside my fear of guilt, my fear of not being enough, my fear of being imperfect and work on realizing, not just in my head but in my entire being, with every essence of my understanding and my soul that God. is enough for me. and I don't have to do anything.
So yea I have problems, and I admit that freely. But when I read that word today, I knew that my fear of being found guilty by Him, is pushing me away from Him.
I have to recognize that and decide daily to come, guilty, before God, and accept His grace.
I still don't know how to do that, because having to be perfect to be loved has been deeply ingrained in me.
But, God is the same today as He was yesterday. He is the same as He was those times that He showed up and I felt His presence and heard His voice. He is the same God that I served when I got hurt when I hit rock bottom. He is the same God that called me to Him. He is the same God that proved He loves me. He is the same God that endured beatings, thorns, nails in His hands, and ultimately death so that I wouldn't have to. He is the same God that conquered death so I could live with Him. He is the same God that declares I am His child. He is the same God that brought His children out of the desert into the promise land. He is the same God that fulfilled all of His promises. He is the same God that walked with Adam and Eve. He is the same God that breathed the galaxies into existence. He is the same God that created light in the darkness. He is the same God then, now, and for eternity, and that God calls me and you by name, and walks with us each day, and that is undeniable.
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Acts 4:12
"Salvation is found in no one else. For there is no other name under heaven, given to men, by which we must be saved."
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
Isaiah 44:22
"I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
Friday, September 15, 2017
Rest
Resting is an important part of our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
The last couple days I've experienced terrible allergies (as I mentioned in my last post). I've found myself so physically drained that I had to have a nap. So two days in a row I've crashed in my bed and slept for two hours in the middle of the day. But each time I woke up feeling better than before.
While I understand that I *need* rest. I often forget what that entails. Rest is not only taking care of my body and letting it sleep. But it is also taking care of my mental, emotional, and spiritual state and resting in those too.
I often forget that emotional rest needs to be in a safe place where I can just rest from all the turmoil and chaos and even all the joy from the day. Joy takes energy to ya'll. We all need time to sit and let the things from the day rest, let our emotions rest.
We all need time to sit and not think. To let our minds rest. Now many people think oh well we can do that while we sleep. But when you sleep is when your mind sorts out everything from the day. It processes all that information and updates how you will interact with that information when you wake up. We need to have time to just let our minds sit peacefully.
But most importantly of all, we need time to rest spiritually.
Psalm 46:10 "be still and know that I am God"
we need to have time to be still and know that He is God. We need time to rest in His presence and rejuvenate our soul and our spirit and our relationship with Him.
In our busy world, and our work aholic society (enabled by caffeine) we all forget to be still and just let everything rest. Some of us will put it off till vacation time. Some of us will watch Netflix and drink wine, some of us will ignore rest all together until our body collapses or tragedy strikes and we collapse.
Well I collapsed physically the last two days, and I've been pushing through in all the other aspects.
But having my body *require* sleep and rest, without an option woke me up to the fact that the rest of me needs it too, and going to church once a week does not count as spiritual rest, at least for me it's exhausting. good but exhausting. I'm very involved in my church which is good, but it is certainly not restful.
So as I am reminded to rest, to be still in mind, spirit, body, and soul. I encourage you to look at your life and see where you need to rest. Is there something on your mind all the time? You may need to give it a rest.
Is there some stuff in your life that has been causing you to be emotionally exhausted but you're just shoving it under the rug? Put down that emotional broom and rest.
Do you keep putting off sleep for work or Netflix? SLEEP!
When was the last time you just sat in the presence of God and enacted Psalm 46:10. For me it's been a while. Stop and take time to rest in Gods presence.
I know that's my goal this week.
Taking time to rest is vital to our well being in every aspect. Don't wait until you collapse in ANY area. Stop now and rest. stop now, and be still and know that He is God.
<3
The last couple days I've experienced terrible allergies (as I mentioned in my last post). I've found myself so physically drained that I had to have a nap. So two days in a row I've crashed in my bed and slept for two hours in the middle of the day. But each time I woke up feeling better than before.
While I understand that I *need* rest. I often forget what that entails. Rest is not only taking care of my body and letting it sleep. But it is also taking care of my mental, emotional, and spiritual state and resting in those too.
I often forget that emotional rest needs to be in a safe place where I can just rest from all the turmoil and chaos and even all the joy from the day. Joy takes energy to ya'll. We all need time to sit and let the things from the day rest, let our emotions rest.
We all need time to sit and not think. To let our minds rest. Now many people think oh well we can do that while we sleep. But when you sleep is when your mind sorts out everything from the day. It processes all that information and updates how you will interact with that information when you wake up. We need to have time to just let our minds sit peacefully.
But most importantly of all, we need time to rest spiritually.
Psalm 46:10 "be still and know that I am God"
we need to have time to be still and know that He is God. We need time to rest in His presence and rejuvenate our soul and our spirit and our relationship with Him.
In our busy world, and our work aholic society (enabled by caffeine) we all forget to be still and just let everything rest. Some of us will put it off till vacation time. Some of us will watch Netflix and drink wine, some of us will ignore rest all together until our body collapses or tragedy strikes and we collapse.
Well I collapsed physically the last two days, and I've been pushing through in all the other aspects.
But having my body *require* sleep and rest, without an option woke me up to the fact that the rest of me needs it too, and going to church once a week does not count as spiritual rest, at least for me it's exhausting. good but exhausting. I'm very involved in my church which is good, but it is certainly not restful.
So as I am reminded to rest, to be still in mind, spirit, body, and soul. I encourage you to look at your life and see where you need to rest. Is there something on your mind all the time? You may need to give it a rest.
Is there some stuff in your life that has been causing you to be emotionally exhausted but you're just shoving it under the rug? Put down that emotional broom and rest.
Do you keep putting off sleep for work or Netflix? SLEEP!
When was the last time you just sat in the presence of God and enacted Psalm 46:10. For me it's been a while. Stop and take time to rest in Gods presence.
I know that's my goal this week.
Taking time to rest is vital to our well being in every aspect. Don't wait until you collapse in ANY area. Stop now and rest. stop now, and be still and know that He is God.
<3
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